In a shocking turn of events, Socialist candidate Joe Schmoe has won the race for Mayor of New York City, sparking a fierce debate over the feasibility of his radical policy agenda. Schmoe, a self-proclaimed champion of the people, has promised to implement a slew of progressive policies that have left many scratching their heads in disbelief.
One of Schmoe’s most controversial proposals is to institute a city-wide ban on avocado toast, citing its exorbitant cost as a symbol of the city’s growing wealth gap. In a press conference following his victory, Schmoe declared, “Avocado toast is a luxury that only the elite can afford. It’s time we put an end to this decadence and focus on more pressing issues like affordable housing and healthcare for all.”
Critics of Schmoe’s avocado toast ban have been quick to voice their opposition. Local restaurateur Sally McSally scoffed at the idea, saying, “Avocado toast is a staple of New York City brunch culture. Without it, what will Instagram influencers post about?”
In addition to his avocado toast ban, Schmoe has also proposed a tax on pet ownership, arguing that the wealthy have too many furry companions while homeless animals languish in shelters. This proposal has drawn ire from pet owners across the city, with one anonymous source telling us, “I refuse to let some socialist mayor tell me how many dogs I can have. My pack is my family!”
Despite the backlash, Schmoe remains steadfast in his commitment to his radical policy agenda. When asked about the feasibility of his proposals, he simply replied, “If the billionaires can afford to hoard their wealth, then we can afford to make some changes around here.”
As New Yorkers brace themselves for four years of Schmoe’s socialist reign, one thing is for certain: the city will never be the same. Love him or hate him, Joe Schmoe is here to shake things up in the Big Apple.
