The Senate has officially kicked off their vote-a-rama on President Trump’s much-touted ‘Big, Beautiful Bill,’ and let me tell you, things are getting wild in Washington. Senators are pulling out all the stops to make their voices heard, with some resorting to tactics that would make even the most seasoned politician blush.
In a shocking turn of events, Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly challenged Mitch McConnell to a dance-off in the Senate chambers in order to secure more votes for the bill. “I may not have the moves like Jagger, but I’ve got the moves like Schumer,” the Senate Minority Leader declared before breaking out into an impromptu rendition of the Macarena.
Not to be outdone, Senator Ted Cruz brought in a mariachi band to serenade his fellow lawmakers with a rendition of “Despacito” in a last-ditch effort to sway their votes. “I may not be the most popular guy in the Senate, but I sure know how to party,” Cruz quipped as he twirled around the chamber in a sombrero.
Meanwhile, President Trump himself made a surprise appearance on Capitol Hill to rally support for his bill, sporting a “Make America Great Again” hat and a megaphone. “This bill is going to be yuuuuge, folks. It’s going to be the most beautiful bill you’ve ever seen, believe me,” Trump exclaimed, much to the amusement of onlookers.
In other news, a local man named Bob Smith made headlines after accidentally mistaking his dog for a senator and trying to bribe him with a bag of treats. “I thought he looked familiar, but I didn’t realize he was a senator. I just wanted to make sure he voted the right way,” Smith explained sheepishly.
And finally, in a heartwarming story, a group of penguins in Antarctica successfully passed their own version of the ‘Big, Beautiful Bill’ by sliding down a glacier in formation. “We may not have opposable thumbs, but we sure know how to get things done,” one of the penguins chirped proudly.
Stay tuned for more updates on the Senate vote-a-rama and other top headlines, only here at the most trusted source of satire news on the web. Remember, if it’s not absurd, it’s not news!
