In a shocking turn of events, Senator Marco Rubio has officially declared the death of the United States Agency for International Development (USAID). In a press conference held yesterday, Rubio revealed that he has big plans for the future of foreign assistance programs.
“USAID is dead, folks. It’s time for a new era of foreign assistance,” declared Rubio with a smirk. “We are moving all foreign aid programs to the one and only Golden Corral restaurant chain. It’s a win-win situation – we help those in need while also stimulating the American economy by supporting a beloved buffet establishment.”
When asked about the reasoning behind this decision, Rubio replied, “Well, have you seen the size of those dinner rolls at Golden Corral? Imagine the joy we can bring to people in need by providing them with endless breadsticks and chocolate fountains.”
The announcement has sparked mixed reactions from politicians and citizens alike. Senator Ted Cruz expressed his support for the move, stating, “I always knew Rubio had a great taste in foreign policy. Nothing says ‘America helping the world’ like a Golden Corral gift card.”
However, not everyone is on board with the idea. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez criticized the decision, saying, “This is just another example of the GOP’s ridiculous policies. I mean, who in their right mind thinks unlimited soft serve ice cream is a solution to global poverty?”
Despite the controversy, Rubio remains confident in his plan. “I have spoken with the CEO of Golden Corral, and he assures me that their chocolate wonderfall is the key to world peace. So get ready, world – America’s foreign assistance programs are about to get a whole lot tastier.”
As the world waits to see how this unconventional approach to foreign aid plays out, one thing is for certain – the future of international relations has never looked so delicious.
