In a shocking turn of events, Mississippi has finally executed the longest-serving man on the state’s death row for a woman’s murder that took place way back in 1976. The man, who has been sitting on death row for a whopping 45 years, was finally put to death by lethal injection yesterday.
The man, whose name we won’t mention because let’s face it, who even remembers him at this point, was convicted of the murder of a woman named Mildred back in the 70s. The case has been dragging on for decades, with appeals and delays keeping him alive far longer than anyone expected.
In a statement released by the governor of Mississippi, he said, “It’s about time we put this guy out of his misery. I mean, seriously, 45 years on death row? That’s longer than some people’s entire lives!”
The man’s lawyer, who we’ll call Bob the Bumbling Barrister, tried to argue for a last-minute stay of execution, claiming that his client had found religion and turned his life around. But the judge wasn’t having any of it, stating, “I’ve seen enough episodes of Law and Order to know a guilty man when I see one.”
As the man was led to the execution chamber, he reportedly shouted, “I demand a last meal of pizza and ice cream! And make it snappy, I’ve been waiting for this moment for longer than the McRib has been off the menu!”
The execution was carried out without any further delays, much to the relief of the state officials who were tired of dealing with this case. As one unnamed source put it, “It’s like that old saying goes, justice delayed is justice denied. And boy, was justice delayed in this case!”
So, there you have it folks, the end of a saga that lasted longer than most marriages. Rest in peace, longest-serving man on Mississippi’s death row. And may Mildred finally find the justice she’s been waiting for all these years.
