In a shocking turn of events, a man has been indicted on 12 hate crime charges following a bizarre attack in Boulder. The suspect, who goes by the name of Chad McChaderson, allegedly went on a rampage targeting innocent bystanders with insults and offensive remarks.
Witnesses say that Chad was seen yelling things like “your momma wears combat boots” and “I bet you still have a MySpace account” at random people on the street. One victim, who wished to remain anonymous, described the ordeal as “absolutely ridiculous. I mean, who even insults people like that anymore?”
Authorities were quick to apprehend Chad after receiving multiple reports of his offensive behavior. When asked for a statement, Chad reportedly said, “I was just trying to bring back the good old days of playground insults. You know, like ‘I know you are but what am I?'”
In a twist of events, it was revealed that Chad had been carrying around a secret weapon – a whoopee cushion. According to police reports, Chad would strategically place the whoopee cushion on unsuspecting victims’ seats, causing embarrassment and confusion. One victim claimed, “I sat down and heard a loud fart noise. I was mortified until I realized it was just a prank. Who even uses whoopee cushions anymore?”
Chad’s lawyer, Barry McBarryson, has come to his defense, claiming that his client was simply misunderstood. In a statement to the press, Barry said, “Chad is a harmless prankster who just wants to spread laughter and joy. He never meant to hurt anyone with his jokes, no matter how outdated they may be.”
Despite his lawyer’s best efforts, Chad is facing a long legal battle ahead. If convicted, he could be sentenced to community service, where he will be forced to hand out whoopee cushions to unsuspecting victims. Only time will tell if Chad will learn his lesson and finally retire his outdated insults.
