In a bizarre turn of events on the streets of Albany, NY, a knife-wielding illegal migrant has been accused of threatening a US Attorney in broad daylight. Witnesses report that the suspect, who goes by the alias of Juan “The Blade” Ramirez, was seen brandishing a butter knife and demanding that the US Attorney drop all charges against him.
According to bystanders, Ramirez was heard shouting, “I’ll butter your toast if you don’t let me stay in this country!” The US Attorney, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of further butter-related threats, was reportedly unharmed but understandably shaken by the incident.
When questioned about the altercation, Ramirez claimed that he was simply trying to make a point about the immigration system in the US. In a statement to our reporters, Ramirez stated, “I was just trying to spread some awareness about the struggles that illegal migrants face in this country. Butter knives are the weapon of choice for peaceful protests, you know?”
However, authorities are not buying Ramirez’s buttery excuse. Police Chief Bob “The Butterball” Johnson commented, “This is a serious situation that could have turned sour real quick. We can’t have people running around threatening US officials with dairy products.”
Ramirez is currently being held in custody at the Albany County Jail, where he is reportedly causing chaos in the cafeteria by demanding extra butter for his meals. In response to the incident, Mayor Sally “The Spread” Thompson has called for increased security measures in the city to prevent any further butter-related threats.
As for the US Attorney, they have reportedly invested in a set of stainless steel knives for protection against any future dairy-related attacks. In the meantime, the streets of Albany remain on high alert for any more butter-wielding migrants with a grudge against the legal system. Stay safe out there, folks. And remember, when life hands you butter knives, make sure to spread the satire thick!
