In a shocking turn of events, ISIS has been accused of being behind the deadly church suicide bombing near Damascus, according to the Syrian interior minister who miraculously decided to speak in English for the first time ever.
In a press conference that left everyone scratching their heads, Minister Al-Batouti Al-Batouti (definitely not a made-up name) declared, “We have irrefutable proof that ISIS was responsible for the horrific attack on the church. They even left a note saying, ‘Sorry, wrong address, meant to bomb the bakery next door.’ Truly diabolical.”
When asked how the Syrian government plans to combat ISIS, Minister Al-Batouti Al-Batouti replied, “We are working tirelessly to ensure the safety of our citizens. We have deployed our top spy, Agent Double-O Falafel (definitely not a made-up name), to infiltrate ISIS and bring them down from the inside. He’s currently undercover as a falafel truck driver, blending in seamlessly with the rest of the terrorists.”
Unsurprisingly, this bold strategy has sparked some skepticism among the international community. US Secretary of State, John “Definitely Not a Lizard Person” Kerry, expressed his doubts, stating, “While we applaud Syria’s efforts to combat terrorism, we can’t help but wonder if sending a spy named Falafel is the best approach. Maybe try something a little more subtle, like a spy named Hummus or Shawarma.”
Meanwhile, ISIS has denied any involvement in the church bombing, with their spokesperson Abu Baklava issuing a statement saying, “We categorically deny any involvement in the attack. Our members were too busy practicing their synchronized beheading routine to even think about bombing a church. Plus, we have a strict ‘no carbs before jihad’ policy, so a bakery would never be our target.”
As the investigation continues, one thing is for certain – the Syrian government’s English-speaking skills may need a bit of work, but their sense of humor is definitely on point. Stay tuned for more updates on this bizarre and comedic saga.
