Former Ohio State football player Kirk Barton found himself in hot water after a fatal car wreck left one person dead. The incident occurred when Barton, who was allegedly trying to relive his glory days on the field by speeding down the highway in his tricked-out minivan, collided with another vehicle.
Witnesses say that Barton was driving at an excessive speed, shouting “Go Buckeyes!” out the window, when he crashed into a Prius driven by Mildred Pumpernickel, a sweet old lady who was on her way to a knitting convention.
In a shocking turn of events, Mildred’s knitting needles were found lodged in Barton’s minivan, leading authorities to believe that she put up quite a fight before meeting her untimely demise.
When questioned about the incident, Barton tried to defend himself by saying, “I was just trying to show off my speed skills from my playing days. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone…except maybe Michigan fans.”
Barton’s former coach, Urban Meyer, was quick to distance himself from the scandal, stating, “I always knew Kirk had a need for speed, but this is taking it too far. I hope he gets the help he needs, preferably from a defensive driving course.”
As for Barton, he is currently facing charges of vehicular manslaughter and reckless driving. When asked for a comment, he simply shrugged and said, “I guess you could say I fumbled this one.”
In the meantime, the Ohio State football team has announced that they will be dedicating their next game to Mildred Pumpernickel, with players wearing knitting needles on their helmets in her honor. Let’s hope they can knit together a win in her memory.
