In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Justice (DOJ) has issued a directive to US attorneys to seek to revoke the citizenship of naturalized Americans over crimes committed. Yes, you read that right – the government is now coming after your citizenship if you jaywalk or forget to recycle your plastic bottles.
In a press conference, Attorney General Merrick Garland stated, “We will not tolerate any form of criminal activity, no matter how minor. If you so much as spit your gum out on the sidewalk, we will do everything in our power to strip you of your citizenship.”
Unsurprisingly, this news has caused quite the uproar among the naturalized community. One individual, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, stated, “I can’t believe this is happening. I accidentally ran a red light last week, and now I’m worried I’ll be deported back to my home country. It’s madness!”
But the DOJ remains firm in their stance, with a spokesperson stating, “We must uphold the law at all costs, even if it means tearing families apart over minor infractions. We will not rest until every naturalized American citizen is living in constant fear of losing their citizenship.”
In response to the directive, comedian John Oliver quipped, “Well, looks like I’ll be packing my bags and heading back to England. I accidentally stole a pack of gum when I was 10 – guess I’ll never be a true American now.”
As the controversy continues to unfold, one thing is clear – the DOJ is not messing around when it comes to cracking down on crime, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. So, naturalized citizens, beware – your citizenship could be on the line for the most minor of offenses.
