In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has revealed a jaw-dropping 500% increase in assaults against ICE officers during operations. Yes, you heard that right – 500%! It seems like these ICE officers just can’t catch a break these days.
According to DHS spokesperson, Agent Smith, “We are seeing a troubling trend of increased violence towards our hardworking ICE officers. It’s truly unacceptable and something needs to be done about it.”
In response to this startling statistic, ICE officer Joe Schmoe had this to say, “It’s getting pretty crazy out there. I used to just worry about deporting people, now I have to worry about getting assaulted in the process. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.”
But not everyone is sympathetic to the plight of ICE officers. Activist Jane Doe commented, “Maybe if ICE officers weren’t out here tearing families apart and violating human rights, they wouldn’t be getting assaulted left and right. Just a thought.”
In a bizarre turn of events, one ICE officer, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that he was assaulted by an angry group of kittens during a recent operation. Yes, you read that correctly – kittens. When asked for a comment, the officer simply stated, “Those kittens were vicious. I never saw it coming.”
In response to the increase in assaults, ICE has announced plans to provide self-defense classes for all officers. ICE Director John Doe stated, “We will not stand idly by while our officers are being attacked. We will do whatever it takes to protect them, even if it means fighting off kittens.”
So there you have it, folks. The life of an ICE officer is no joke. From kittens to angry activists, they face danger at every turn. Let’s just hope they can stay safe out there on the frontlines of immigration enforcement.
