In a stunning turn of events, Clarke Schmidt, the Yankees’ rookie pitcher, threw 7 hitless innings in a 9-0 rout of the Orioles. The game was a complete snooze fest for the Orioles, who couldn’t even manage to get a single hit off of Schmidt’s pitches.
Yankees manager Aaron Boone was ecstatic about Schmidt’s performance, saying, “I’ve never seen anything like it. Clarke was throwing darts out there, making those Orioles look like little leaguers. It was almost too easy for him.”
Even Schmidt himself was surprised by his own dominance on the mound. When asked about his incredible performance, he simply replied, “I guess I just have a knack for making batters look silly. It’s all in the wrist, you know?”
Meanwhile, Orioles manager Brandon Hyde was left scratching his head at his team’s abysmal showing. “I don’t know what happened out there today,” Hyde mumbled to reporters. “It was like our batters forgot how to swing a bat. I might have to send them all back to batting school after this embarrassment.”
The Yankees’ offense also came alive in the game, with fake player Bobby Bigshot hitting a grand slam in the fifth inning to put the game out of reach for the hapless Orioles. Fake player Sammy Sluggo also chipped in with a couple of RBIs to add insult to injury.
After the game, the Yankees celebrated their victory with a champagne shower in the locker room. Fake player Joe Jovial joked, “I think we should let Clarke pitch every game from now on. He’s like a secret weapon we’ve been hiding all this time.”
Overall, it was a day to remember for the Yankees and a day to forget for the Orioles. As for Clarke Schmidt, he’s just happy to have made a name for himself in the big leagues. “I guess you could say I’m the new kid on the block,” Schmidt chuckled. “But hey, not too shabby for a rookie, right?”
