In a shocking turn of events, security expert John Smith has unveiled a three-step training strategy that he claims can put an end to church attacks once and for all. In an exclusive interview with our team at The Satirical Times, Smith revealed his groundbreaking plan that is guaranteed to keep churches safe from any potential threats.
According to Smith, the first step in his strategy is to “arm the congregation with water guns filled with holy water.” He believes that this will not only deter any attackers, but also provide a much-needed blessing to those who are hit by the water. When asked about the effectiveness of this tactic, Smith confidently stated, “Trust me, no evil can withstand the power of a water gun filled with holy water. It’s like kryptonite to vampires.”
The second step in Smith’s plan involves training the church choir to sing at a deafening volume. “Imagine a group of angels belting out hymns at full blast,” Smith explained. “No attacker would be able to withstand the sheer power of their voices. It’s like a sonic boom of righteousness.”
Finally, Smith’s third step is to enlist the help of a team of ninjas to patrol the church grounds. “Ninjas are masters of stealth and combat,” Smith said. “With their skills, they can easily take down any would-be attacker before they even have a chance to strike. Plus, let’s be honest, having ninjas at your church is just plain cool.”
When asked about the potential risks of implementing his strategy, Smith waved off any concerns. “Look, I may not have any actual security training or experience, but I have seen every action movie ever made. I know what I’m talking about.”
While Smith’s plan may seem outlandish to some, there is no denying that his confidence is infectious. Who knows, maybe a water gun-wielding choir of ninjas is exactly what churches need to keep them safe in these uncertain times. As Smith himself put it, “In the battle between good and evil, sometimes you just need to think outside the box. And maybe throw in a few water balloons for good measure.”
