In a shocking new study, researchers have found that cannabis use actually raises the risk of heart attack and stroke more than cocaine and other drugs. This major review has left stoners everywhere in a state of panic, with many wondering if they should switch to harder substances for the sake of their health.
Dr. Mary Jane McHigh, lead researcher on the study, explained the surprising findings. “We were shocked to discover that cannabis users were at a higher risk for cardiovascular events than users of cocaine or meth. It seems that all those years of munchies and couch-lock have finally caught up with them.”
When asked about the implications of the study, Dr. McHigh warned, “If you’re a regular cannabis user, you might want to reconsider your habits. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s better to switch to something like heroin or PCP if you want to protect your heart.”
One stoner, who wished to remain anonymous, shared his thoughts on the study. “Man, this is a total buzzkill. I thought weed was supposed to be chill, not giving me a heart attack. Guess I’ll have to start snorting lines of coke instead.”
In response to the study, cannabis advocates have come out in full force, claiming that the research is biased and flawed. “This study is a load of crap,” said Bob Marley Jr., president of the National Association for the Advancement of Marijuana. “Cannabis has been used for centuries without any major health risks. This is just Reefer Madness all over again.”
Despite the backlash, Dr. McHigh stands by her team’s findings. “We stand by our research. It’s time for cannabis users to wake up and smell the roses – or in this case, the heart attack risk.”
So, the next time you spark up that joint, just remember – you might be playing with fire. Or, in this case, with your heart. Stay safe, folks.
