In a shocking turn of events, former Secret Service agent turned conservative commentator, Dan Bongino, has announced that the FBI has apprehended a whopping 449 child predators and rescued 224 kids in just his first three months as deputy director. Talk about hitting the ground running!
In a press conference held at FBI headquarters, Bongino proudly proclaimed, “I may be new to this role, but I’m no rookie when it comes to taking down bad guys. These predators thought they could hide behind their computer screens, but they didn’t count on me and my team busting down their virtual doors!”
When asked about his secret to success, Bongino winked and replied, “It’s all in the mustache. Criminals see this ‘stache coming and they know they’re in trouble. It strikes fear into their hearts.”
The news of Bongino’s impressive record has sent shockwaves through the law enforcement community. Even FBI Director Christopher Wray couldn’t contain his excitement, exclaiming, “Dan Bongino is a force to be reckoned with. He’s like a mix between James Bond and McGruff the Crime Dog. I’ve never seen anything like it!”
But not everyone is thrilled about Bongino’s success. Allegations have surfaced that his mustache may have magical powers, with one anonymous source claiming, “I saw Bongino’s ‘stache hypnotize a suspect into confessing on the spot. It’s like a Jedi mind trick, but with facial hair.”
Despite the controversy, Bongino shows no signs of slowing down. Rumor has it that he’s already working on a plan to take down an international child trafficking ring, with his trusty mustache leading the way.
So, if you’re a child predator thinking about lurking in the shadows, beware. Dan Bongino and his mustache are on the prowl, ready to bring you to justice with a side of humor.
