**Bipartisan Bill Emerges to Safeguard Genetic Data Following 23andMe Bankruptcy: Congress Finally Gets a DNA Test!**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation reeling, Congress has unveiled a bipartisan bill aimed at safeguarding genetic data after the recent bankruptcy of 23andMe. Lawmakers from both sides of the aisle have come together, proving that when it comes to personal data, they can unite faster than a family reunion at a 23andMe reveal party.
Senator Chuck “I’m Not Related to You” Schumer stated, “We realized that if we don’t protect our genetic data, we might end up finding out we’re related to that weird guy from high school who still wears cargo shorts.” Meanwhile, House Representative Marjorie “I Swear I’m Not a Clone” Taylor Greene added, “This bill is crucial! I don’t want my DNA ending up in a lab where they might create a superhuman version of me—one that actually knows how to do math!”
The bill, humorously dubbed the “Don’t Let Uncle Bob Find Out He’s Your Cousin Act,” aims to ensure that genetic data remains as private as your Netflix password. “We need to protect our citizens from the horrors of discovering they’re 0.1% Neanderthal,” said Senator Lindsey “I’m Definitely Not Related to You” Graham. “I mean, who wants to explain that at Thanksgiving?”
In a surprising twist, the bill also includes provisions for a national “Genetic Data Protection Agency” (GDPA), which will be tasked with ensuring that no one’s DNA is used for anything more nefarious than creating a new line of artisanal kombucha. “We’re not just protecting data; we’re protecting the sanctity of family trees everywhere,” said GDPA spokesperson and part-time genealogist, Bob “I’m Just Here for the Free Samples” Johnson.
As the bill makes its way through Congress, one thing is clear: Americans are ready to safeguard their genetic secrets. After all, nobody wants to find out they’re related to that one cousin who still thinks the Earth is flat. So, let’s raise a glass of non-GMO, gluten-free, organic kombucha to the future of our DNA—may it remain as mysterious as the last slice of pizza at a party!
