**Ex-Harvard Morgue Manager Confesses to Human Remains Theft: “I Just Wanted to Start a Bone Collection!”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the academic world reeling, former Harvard Morgue Manager, Dr. Mortimer “Bones” McGravely, has confessed to a series of bizarre thefts involving human remains. In an exclusive interview with our undercover reporter, who was disguised as a particularly convincing skeleton, McGravely revealed his motivations behind the macabre heist.
“I just wanted to start a bone collection, you know? Like those people who collect stamps or vintage lunchboxes,” McGravely explained, while nervously twirling a femur like a baton. “I thought, ‘Why not go big or go home?’ So I went big. Really big. Like, ‘I’m going to need a bigger closet’ big.”
According to sources, McGravely’s collection included everything from a “slightly used” skull he dubbed “Skully McSkullface” to a pair of femurs he affectionately named “The Leggy Duo.” “I thought they’d look great on my coffee table,” he added, “but my wife wasn’t thrilled. She said it was ‘bone-chilling’ décor.”
Harvard officials were quick to distance themselves from McGravely’s antics. “We’re shocked, but honestly, we thought he was just really into anatomy,” said Dean of the Faculty, Dr. Ima Skeptic. “We had no idea he was planning a Halloween party for one.”
When asked about the future of his collection, McGravely sighed, “I guess I’ll have to return them. But I’m keeping Skully! He’s my best friend now.”
As the investigation continues, one thing is clear: Harvard may have lost a morgue manager, but it gained a new mascot. Stay tuned for updates on the “Bone Bandit” saga, and remember folks, if you’re going to collect bones, make sure they’re not on loan!
