**Lincoln’s Blood-Stained Gloves and 143 Other Artifacts Up for Auction: A Collector’s Dream or a Nightmare?**
In a shocking turn of events that has left historians and hoarders alike scratching their heads, a collection of artifacts including Abraham Lincoln’s blood-stained gloves is set to hit the auction block next month. The gloves, which are rumored to have been worn during a particularly intense game of “Whack-a-Mole” at Ford’s Theatre, are expected to fetch a staggering $1 million.
“Honestly, who wouldn’t want to own a piece of history that’s literally dripping with drama?” said local collector and self-proclaimed history buff, Bob “The Glove Whisperer” McGee. “I mean, I have a pair of socks worn by George Washington, but they’re just not the same. They don’t have that ‘freshly-squeezed’ vibe.”
But Lincoln’s gloves aren’t the only bizarre items up for grabs. The auction also features a collection of 143 other artifacts, including a half-eaten sandwich from the 1863 Gettysburg Address and a pair of Thomas Jefferson’s favorite underpants, which he reportedly wore during the drafting of the Declaration of Independence. “They’re a little tight, but they really capture the spirit of freedom,” said auctioneer and part-time magician, Wanda “The Undergarment Oracle” Smith.
Among the more peculiar items is a lock of hair from John Wilkes Booth’s pet parakeet, which is said to have been “the real mastermind” behind the assassination plot. “I always knew that bird was up to no good,” said local conspiracy theorist, Larry “Feathered Friend” Johnson. “I mean, have you seen the way it looks at you? It’s like it knows your secrets.”
As the auction date approaches, experts are divided on the true value of these artifacts. “On one hand, they’re historical treasures,” said Dr. Penelope “History Buff” Thompson. “On the other hand, they’re just really weird. I mean, who wants to own a sandwich that’s been sitting around for 160 years?”
So, whether you’re a serious collector or just someone looking to spice up your living room decor, this auction promises to be a wild ride. Just remember: if you buy Lincoln’s gloves, you might want to invest in a good pair of rubber gloves for handling them. After all, you never know what kind of history you might be getting your hands on!
