**Columbia University President Addresses Mahmoud Khalil’s Absence Amidst Boos at Graduation**
In a stunning turn of events at Columbia University’s graduation ceremony, President Lee Bollinger took to the stage to address the elephant in the room—or rather, the absence of Mahmoud Khalil, the student who mysteriously vanished just moments before receiving his diploma. As the crowd erupted in a chorus of boos, Bollinger attempted to quell the unrest with a speech that can only be described as “incredibly awkward.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I understand your frustration,” Bollinger began, adjusting his glasses nervously. “But let’s not forget that Mahmoud is probably just stuck in traffic… or maybe he’s hiding from his student loans. Either way, we wish him the best!”
The crowd, however, was not convinced. “I heard he was last seen running away from a group of debt collectors,” shouted a fellow graduate, who wished to remain anonymous but was definitely not wearing a cap and gown. “Or maybe he just realized he forgot to return his library books!”
As the boos intensified, Bollinger tried to lighten the mood. “You know, I once lost my cat for three days, and it turned out he was just under the couch. So, let’s keep our hopes up for Mahmoud!” This elicited a few chuckles, but mostly more boos, as one graduate yelled, “This isn’t a cat video, Lee!”
In a last-ditch effort to win over the crowd, Bollinger added, “If Mahmoud doesn’t show up soon, we might have to give his diploma to the next person who can recite the entire ‘Hamilton’ soundtrack!” This prompted a spontaneous sing-along from the audience, who clearly had their priorities straight.
As the ceremony concluded, the search for Mahmoud Khalil continued, with rumors swirling that he was last seen at a nearby coffee shop, sipping a latte and contemplating the meaning of life—or perhaps just avoiding the inevitable post-graduation job hunt.
In the end, Columbia’s graduation will be remembered not just for the diplomas handed out, but for the mystery of Mahmoud Khalil, who may have just become the university’s most elusive graduate.
