As Thanksgiving approaches, it’s clear that America is gearing up for its most sacred tradition: the annual clash of NCAA football rivals. Sure, there’s something about the turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie, but let’s be honest—if you’re not spending Thanksgiving arguing over whether Ohio State is superior to Michigan or whether Auburn can lose to Alabama by less than 50 points, you’re doing it wrong.
This year’s matchups promise not only to heat up rivalries but also to reignite family feuds that have simmered for years over half-baked opinions and unproven theories about why the South’s best football is always “better.” And, of course, none of this will actually matter when someone asks, “Hey, did anyone carve the turkey?”
1. Oregon vs. Washington: The Battle of the Bearded Broccoli Men
Oregon Duck Football
The showdown between Number 1 Oregon and Washington is less about football and more about which Pac-12 team can convince the rest of the country that they are, indeed, “good enough to be in the College Football Playoff” despite never actually being invited to a New Year’s Six Bowl.
“I don’t even watch football,” said Washington fan Brenda Johnson, a 37-year-old accountant from Seattle. “But every year I show up, and I’ll scream at my cousin’s Oregon fan husband just to see if I can make him cry. That’s all Thanksgiving is for anyway.”
Indeed, the true battle in this rivalry is seeing who can out-yell the other.
2. Ohio State vs. Michigan: Turkey’s Secret Weapon: Distraction
Ohio State
The most sacred rivalry in college football—Ohio State vs. Michigan—has long been the fuel for the family Thanksgiving inferno. This game turns the most civil gatherings into reality TV episodes of “Who Needs Therapy?” Case in point: Cousin Mark, a lifelong Michigan fan, lost all decorum last year when Ohio State lost by 6.
“Mark cried. His happiness soon turned to ugliness, however. He took my mom’s mashed potatoes, then he just threw them at my dad. So, it got ugly,” said Julia, Mark’s older sister.
And it’s not just the football that sparks the rage. One member of the family will inevitably ask the age-old question, “Shouldn’t we just eat before the game to avoid the drama?” This will be met with a resounding “NO!” from Mark, who believes the entire family should be forced to wait until after the game to enjoy any food because, “Michigan is more than just football. It’s a lifestyle.” That is, until they lose, in which case it’s “Who cares about the turkey, let’s just go to bed early and pretend we didn’t care.”
3. Texas vs. Texas A&M: Bigger Everything, Including Grudges
Texas Longhorns
The Texas vs. Texas A&M rivalry is simple: everything’s bigger in Texas, except for the level of football maturity. This game is mostly about which side of the family will spend the evening shouting, “We never should’ve stopped playing this game!” while aggressively eyeing the closest bottle of hot sauce.
“It’s so bad, it’s good,” said Jim “Texan Jim” Rogers, a proud Texan and unofficial barbecue pitmaster. “We don’t even care about the game anymore. Just pass me the salsa and some queso. This year, I’m ready for my daughter to leave the table after hearing me shout ‘Hook ‘Em Horns’ just one more time.”
4. Georgia vs. Georgia Tech: A Gravy Boat That’s Off Course
Georgia Bulldogs
The Georgia Bulldogs and Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets are set to collide in a heated rivalry that can only be described as… mildly competitive, unless your uncle is a Georgia Tech fan, in which case the whole meal is ruined.
“Every year it’s the same,” said Susan Phelps, a Georgia Bulldog fan. “The moment my uncle shows up in his Georgia Tech sweatshirt, I know it’s over. His only question is whether my team will ‘finally’ lose to a team that couldn’t even beat the Golden State Warriors’ B-team.”
In this rivalry, no one remembers the turkey, mostly because someone is always too busy arguing about which team is “more historically relevant.”
5. Clemson vs. South Carolina: A Clash of Deranged Family Dynamics
Clemson Football, Clemson, SC
The Clemson vs. South Carolina rivalry has long been a source of dish-throwing frustration. After all, how does a South Carolina fan even talk trash when Clemson has, you know, won everything in the past five years?
“Everyone just looks at me like I’m dumb when I say ‘Go Gamecocks!’” said Brad, a South Carolina alumnus. “Last year, I tried to get a fist fight going with my brother-in-law, who’s a Clemson fan, over whether the best quarterback ever to wear a jersey was ‘just another Trevor Lawrence’ or if it was ‘anybody who played for Clemson after 2016.’”
To be fair, Brad did try to eat all the stuffing after losing that debate, but it was unclear whether the stuffing was for him or for his attempts at subtle self-soothing.
6. Alabama vs. Auburn: All Signs Point to Auburn Losing By 30, but Hey, That’s College Football
Bryant-Denny Stadium, Home of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide, Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Alabama and Auburn’s Iron Bowl this year might be the closest thing to an actual fight. And honestly, if Alabama loses to Auburn (given Kalen DeBoer’s team hasn’t actually shown up to the games they should’ve won), Thanksgiving will descend into chaos.
“I’m not even talking about the football game,” said Bob Harris, an Auburn fan and professional party-starter. “If Alabama loses, I’m definitely taking the turkey and running out the door before my brother-in-law starts talking about how ‘historically great’ Alabama’s program is.”
Somehow, if Auburn manages to avoid the loss by some miracle, it will likely involve Alabama forgetting they play defense.
7. Ole Miss vs. Mississippi State: A Sibling Rivalry in a Sea of Shrimp
Ole Miss Football
Ole Miss vs. Mississippi State is about more than football. It’s about every family dinner turning into an epic battle of who can make the best homemade sweet tea. And yet, the argument only reaches a boiling point when someone accidentally spills their tea on the game’s final score.
“I’ll be honest,” said Jenny, a Mississippi State fan. “I don’t care about football anymore. I just want to know why my cousin Chris insists on showing up in that terrible Ole Miss hoodie. Can’t he just wear the family crest like a normal person?”
8. Missouri vs. Arkansas: The Mid-Tier Midwestern Grudge
Gold Mizzou Football Uniform
The Missouri vs. Arkansas game will never get as much attention as it deserves, but that’s okay. It’s just an excuse for everyone at the dinner table to act like they’re pretending to care about something important when, really, they’re just waiting for dessert.
“I can’t pretend I care,” said Mark Turner, a Missouri fan. “Every year, we show up, and by halftime, we’re all talking about our turkey’s moisture content instead of how our team is going to lose by 40.”
9. Arizona State vs. Arizona: Desert Warfare and Chipotle Betrayals
ASU
In the Arizona vs. Arizona State game, the football feels irrelevant. The real drama is in the grandkids fighting over who gets the last burrito from Chipotle.
“I bet I could eat three Chipotle burritos in one sitting,” said Tyler, a proud Arizona State supporter. “And if I beat that, I’ll just send my aunt a picture of me winning before she even finishes her Thanksgiving dinner.”
10. UNLV vs. Nevada: The Ultimate Underdog Brawl
UNLV
Let’s face it, no one really cares about UNLV vs. Nevada. But that doesn’t stop Uncle Larry from yelling “Go Rebels!” when the game is on, mostly because it’s the only time in the year he feels like being rebellious.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but they keep talking about a ‘college rivalry,’” said Lisa, his daughter. “I thought they were talking about his obsession with football. Turns out, it’s just about trying to get us all to eat less turkey so he can have more leftovers.”
So as you gather around the table this Thanksgiving, remember that the turkey might be dry, the potatoes might be lumpy, and no one will actually remember who won the football games. But your family’s arguments over Michigan, Alabama, or Texas will live on forever—just like that awkward moment when someone asks, “Where’s the cranberry sauce?”
