Santa / Elf Union Still Miles Apart, North Pole Set to Lockout Striking Elves
In a shocking turn of events, the North Pole is set to lock out its elves after months of contentious negotiations over the highly anticipated holiday season. Santa, speaking from the comfort of his ergonomic sleigh chair, told reporters that despite his best efforts, the elf union (E.U.) “just won’t budge on their demands.”
“We’ve offered them everything except a vacation to the Bahamas, and they’re still holding out for more snack breaks and better boots,” said Santa, who was visibly frustrated after his 700th meeting with the elves’ labor representatives. “At this rate, I’ll just hire a few reindeer to hand out presents and see how they like it. They’d better be ready for a reindeer-powered Black Friday rush, and it’s not going to be pretty.”
The strike, which started on November 18th, has already sent shockwaves through the toy industry, leading some experts to predict a Christmas catastrophe of epic proportions. Retailers, on edge, are urging consumers to stock up on toys now before the situation worsens.
FedEx – Federal Express MD-10-30F N312FE
In a statement that’s likely to send parents into a frenzy, major carriers UPS, FedEx, and USPS have all refused to deliver packages to and from the North Pole. “Contract language,” said a spokesperson for FedEx, “doesn’t allow us to cross the Arctic Circle during a strike. Our drivers need their hot cocoa breaks, and frankly, the sleigh just isn’t cutting it as a proper shipping vessel.”
Meanwhile, talks with Amazon have come to a halt as well, with Amazon CEO Andy Jassy reportedly so distracted by the “Cyber Monday madness” that he hasn’t had time to personally address Santa’s calls. “I’m sorry, we’ve entered ‘Peak Season’—while we have world-class logistics, we simply aren’t that large!” said an anonymous representative within Amazon, who declined to comment further but was last seen piloting a drone over a stack of Black Friday inventory.
The situation has also prompted Santa to rework his holiday strategy. “It’s looking like this might be a ‘ghost’ Christmas,” he sighed. “We’re advising families to skip the milk and cookies this year. Parents, if you are reading this, you may very well be on the hook this year. Don’t worry, once this is resolved, we plan to reimburse all of the parents for their expenses for this Christmas.”
Grrrunt – Grizzle’s Watch Dog
Back at the North Pole, the elf union remains resolute. “We’re demanding more paid time off to recover from the mental exhaustion of hearing ‘Jingle Bells’ on a loop for 12 hours straight,” said Grizzle, the lead elf negotiator. “Santa can’t just expect us to work round the clock for a few candy canes and a photo op with his ‘good list.’”
North Pole Labor Mediator, Sparkles Sprinkle, had a further comment. “If this continues for 3-5 more days, don’t be surprised when the ‘Big Guy’ locks them out. They have replacements working from a contingency staffing company. The replacements, as efficient as they may be, are working around the clock. However, there is a steep learning curve to the equipment in the toy factory. There is no way that these guys can meet the production demands that are needed this time of year,” Sprinkle stated.
“The ‘Big Guy’ has a tough decision to make. Bend and give the elves all that they want or lock them out. Either way, he is in a lose-lose situation,” Sprinkle continued.
As the situation unfolds, holiday cheer seems to be on the decline. But if all else fails, there’s always the option to switch to Festivus this year. Just remember: No one’s getting off the hook without airing grievances first.
Stay tuned as we are providing coverage as quickly as it breaks.
