Thanksgiving 2024: A Humble Celebration of the Things That Matter Most (or at Least Entertain Us for a Few Minutes)
As the days grow shorter and the turkey grows plumper, it’s time to take a moment and reflect on the things we’re truly grateful for this Thanksgiving. And no, I’m not talking about family, health, or those inexplicable yet magical 5 minutes of peace after your kids finally fall asleep. I’m talking about the truly important stuff. The things that get us through life’s absurdities—without which, frankly, we’d probably just curl up in a blanket fort and weep into a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Social Media’s Infinite Wisdom
Ah yes, social media. Where would we be without the infinite well of knowledge generously offered by strangers who think that essential oils can cure a sprained ankle? “I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t think turmeric can cure cancer,” says Janice, a Facebook friend who believes “wellness” is a $150 candle that smells like kale and regret. Every scroll is an adventure—today, I learned that the Global Court of Conduct (I thought it was a Netflix series?) just ruled against Facebook for stealing your pictures without permission. Who knew? Well, everyone except the lawyers, apparently.
Then, of course, there’s medical advice. This morning, I read in a comment thread where a guy diagnosed another guy as mentally handicapped. Based solely on his photos, spelling, and a vague suspicion of low blood sugar. Why pay for a therapist when the entire internet can diagnose your emotional baggage for free?
Artificial Intelligence: Your New Existential Crisis Companion
Artificial Intelligence & AI & Machine Learning
You might be wondering, “What can we possibly be thankful for in a world where machines are slowly taking over our jobs?” Well, we can be thankful for the fact that AI doesn’t judge you. It’s all business, baby. If you ask an AI for life advice, it’s not going to tell you to “just think positive.” No, it’ll just ask you for your bank account number and then recommend a cryptocurrency investment because “it’s probably fine.” What could go wrong? And sure, maybe your job will be replaced by a bot next year, but at least the bot won’t comment on your outfit choices. Probably.
The Undying Hope of ‘Things Getting Better Next Year’
2012 Calendar
Every December, we say, “Next year will be different!” No more procrastinating, no more putting things off, no more pretending you’ll go to the gym. But who are we kidding? By the time January rolls around, we’ll all be stuck thanking the universe for the true gift of Amazon Prime, which delivers everything we didn’t need straight to our door. Including, of course, that $50 weighted blanket that definitely won’t fix your existential dread but sure is warm.
The Climate Crisis: The Only Crisis with Better Fashion Choices
Okay, so the world is apparently burning (or freezing or flooding—it’s honestly hard to keep track). But hey, at least you’ll never have to worry about whether you’re underdressed for the apocalypse. Climate change is like that one friend who always says, “Oh, I’ll just wear this and throw a jacket on if it gets chilly,” except the jacket is now a parka in July. So really, it’s a win-win. You’re never too hot or too cold—you’re just perpetually uncomfortable, and I think we can all agree that discomfort is the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
The Return of the ‘90s
Beavis and Butthead
We’ve come full circle, my friends. The ‘90s are back, and while some might reminisce about the good old days of dial-up internet, mixed tapes, and not having to explain what a meme is, we are truly thankful. There was something magical about a time when you could avoid your problems by just playing Snake on your Nokia while waiting for a Blockbuster movie. Plus, who doesn’t want to live in a world where Beavis and Butthead are relevant again? As we all look forward to another year of TikTok and streaming services, at least we can cling to the illusion that things weren’t so bad when the only thing we had to worry about was whether our Tamagotchi was alive.
In conclusion, Thanksgiving isn’t just a time to give thanks for the people around us—though that’s nice and all—it’s about embracing the bizarre, the confusing, and the absolutely nonsensical things that make our modern lives so wonderfully… ridiculous. So here’s to social media’s free legal advice, AI-assisted existential crises, and the endless hope that next year might just be the one where we finally stop hitting “snooze” on life. Happy Thanksgiving, folks. May your turkey be as unpredictable as the weather and your relatives as charming as your last Twitter debate.
