**Trump Administration’s New Vaccine Policy Restricts COVID Shot Access: “Only for the Best People!”**
In a move that has left public health experts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists high-fiving in their basements, the Trump Administration has announced a new vaccine policy that restricts access to the COVID-19 vaccine. According to sources close to the former president, the new policy is designed to ensure that only “the best people” receive the shot.
“Why should everyone get the vaccine?” Trump reportedly said while munching on a Big Mac. “I mean, I’ve had the best vaccines, the most luxurious vaccines. My vaccine is like a five-star hotel, and I don’t want just anyone checking in!”
Under the new guidelines, only individuals who can prove they have a “superior immune system” will be eligible for the vaccine. “We’re talking about people who can bench press a car or have a pet iguana named ‘Vaccine’,” said Health Secretary and self-proclaimed ‘Vaccine Whisperer’ Dr. Phil McCracken. “If you can’t do that, you’re out of luck!”
In a bizarre twist, the administration has also introduced a new “Vaccine VIP” program, where individuals can pay $10,000 for a shot, complete with a complimentary gold-plated syringe. “It’s like a VIP concert experience, but for your health!” exclaimed Melania Trump, who is reportedly working on a new line of designer masks that double as fashion statements and “anti-COVID shields.”
Critics have been quick to point out the absurdity of the policy. “This is like restricting access to water because you think only the best people should drink it,” said Dr. Jane Doe, a fictional epidemiologist. “Next, they’ll be charging for air!”
As the nation grapples with this new policy, one thing is clear: if you want the COVID vaccine, you better start lifting weights and training your iguana. Because in the Trump Administration’s world, only the fittest will survive—preferably while wearing a MAGA hat.
