**Columbia and New York-Presbyterian Hospital Settle Sexual Abuse Claims Against Former Doctor: A Comedy of Errors**
In a shocking twist that could only be scripted by a team of over-caffeinated sitcom writers, Columbia University and New York-Presbyterian Hospital have resolved numerous sexual abuse claims against former doctor, Dr. Phil McCracken. The settlement, which reportedly includes a lifetime supply of rubber gloves and a complimentary “How Not to Be a Creepy Doctor” handbook, has left many scratching their heads and wondering if they accidentally tuned into a particularly bizarre episode of “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Dr. McCracken, who was known for his “hands-on” approach to medicine, allegedly mistook his Hippocratic Oath for a “Hippocratic Suggestion.” “I thought he was just really passionate about his work,” said one former patient, who wished to remain anonymous but was later identified as “Mildred, the 82-year-old knitting enthusiast.” “I mean, who doesn’t love a good prostate exam during a routine check-up?”
In a press conference that felt more like a stand-up routine, hospital spokesperson Dr. Ima Jokesmith stated, “We take these allegations very seriously. In fact, we’ve implemented a new policy: if a doctor asks you to ‘drop your pants’ for any reason other than a medical emergency, just run. Seriously, just run.”
The settlement also includes a mandatory seminar titled “Boundaries: They’re Not Just for Highways,” which will be led by none other than Dr. Phil himself—who, ironically, has never been a doctor but has a PhD in “Telling People What They Want to Hear.”
As the dust settles on this medical melodrama, one thing is clear: Columbia and New York-Presbyterian are committed to ensuring that their doctors keep their hands where they belong—on the stethoscope and not on the patients. And as for Dr. McCracken? He’s reportedly considering a career in motivational speaking, with his first book titled “How to Lose Your License and Still Get a Standing Ovation.”
Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story, or as we like to call it, “The Real-Life Medical Comedy That No One Asked For.”
