**FDA Warns of Major Risks Posed by ‘Gas Station Heroin’ to Youth: A New Low in Convenience Store Shenanigans**
In a shocking announcement that has left parents scratching their heads and teenagers rolling their eyes, the FDA has issued a warning about a new trend sweeping the nation: “Gas Station Heroin.” Yes, you read that right. Apparently, the only thing more dangerous than a hot dog from a gas station is the new “heroin” being sold right next to it.
“Kids these days are so lazy,” said local gas station owner, Chuck “The Pump” Johnson. “Back in my day, we had to walk uphill both ways to find our drugs. Now they just waltz in, grab a Slurpee, and pick up some ‘heroin’ that’s probably just flavored sugar water. I mean, who even thought this was a good idea?”
The FDA’s report claims that this so-called “Gas Station Heroin” is being marketed to youth as a quick fix for boredom. “It’s like a Red Bull for your soul,” said Dr. Ima Quack, a self-proclaimed expert on all things ridiculous. “One sip and you’ll be convinced you can fly, or at least dance like no one’s watching—until someone starts filming, of course.”
Teenagers across the country are reportedly torn between the allure of this new “drug” and the fear of their parents finding out. “I tried it once,” said 16-year-old Timmy “The Trendsetter” Thompson. “It tasted like cotton candy mixed with regret. But hey, it’s cheaper than therapy!”
In response to the growing trend, the FDA has launched a campaign titled “Just Say No to Gas Station Heroin,” featuring a catchy jingle that’s already stuck in everyone’s heads. “If it’s from a pump, it’s not a jump!” they sing, while parents everywhere nod in confused agreement.
So, dear readers, the next time you find yourself at a gas station, remember: if it’s not a hot dog or a questionable burrito, it’s probably best left untouched. And if you see a teenager sipping something suspicious, just remind them that the only thing they should be fueling is their car—and maybe their dreams of a better snack selection.
