**Coinbase Reports Cyber Attack: Customer Data Compromised and $20M Ransom Demanded**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the cryptocurrency world reeling, Coinbase has reported a cyber attack that has compromised customer data and led to a ransom demand of $20 million. The hackers, who identified themselves as “The Crypto Bandits,” have reportedly threatened to release sensitive information unless their demands are met.
“We just wanted to borrow a few bucks for some pizza and a Netflix subscription,” said a spokesperson for The Crypto Bandits, who goes by the name of “Satoshi’s Cousin.” “But then we found out how much money people were hoarding in their Coinbase accounts, and we thought, ‘Why not ask for a little more?’”
Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong responded to the attack with a statement that can only be described as “vaguely reassuring.” “We take the security of our customers very seriously,” he said, while nervously checking under his desk for any suspicious-looking USB drives. “We’re working hard to ensure that our customers’ data is safe, unless, of course, they happen to have a really cool meme collection. Then all bets are off.”
In a bizarre twist, the hackers have also threatened to release a series of embarrassing customer emails, including one from a user named “CryptoKing69” who accidentally sent a love letter to his cat instead of his girlfriend. “I just wanted to express my feelings for her,” he lamented. “Now everyone will know I’m a cat person!”
As the clock ticks down on the ransom demand, Coinbase customers are left wondering if they’ll ever see their data again—or if they’ll just have to start using cash like it’s 1999. “I guess I’ll just have to go back to my old job as a barista,” said one disgruntled customer, “because I can’t afford to lose my crypto fortune over a few bad passwords!”
In the meantime, Coinbase has launched a new marketing campaign: “Invest in Security, Not Ransom.” Because nothing says “trustworthy” like a company that’s just been hacked.
