By: Clancy McSnort, Sports Satirist and Part-Time Cloud Chaser
The 2024 NFL season is upon us, and with it comes the same annual spectacle of grown men in oversized padded suits running into each other at high speeds while simultaneously trying to remember which direction they’re supposed to be going. It’s a beautiful chaos that only America could’ve invented, and by God, do we love it. As teams like the Tampa Bay Tortoises and the Cleveland Spiders try to reclaim glory, we’re left asking: what exactly is going on here?
Let’s break it down, if you can even call it that.
1. The NFL’s New “Most Valuable Snack” Award
Most Valuable Snack (MVS) Awards
The NFL, ever keen to embrace corporate partnerships, has unveiled a new “Most Valuable Snack” award, which will be given to the player who consumes the largest quantity of junk food during the game. Last year’s winner, linebacker Greg “Big Gulp” Johnson, managed to consume 73 hot dogs during a game against the Detroit Lions—setting a new record and, frankly, inspiring the entire league to reconsider their nutrition strategies.
“I don’t even know how it happened,” Johnson said, his face smeared with ketchup and mustard. “I was just trying to stop the running back, and next thing you know, I was elbow-deep in nachos. It’s a lifestyle choice now.”
2. The Return of the Hail Mary and the Unexpected Hail Bacon
Hail Bacon – or all hail bacon?
In a surprise twist, several teams have introduced a new offensive strategy called the “Hail Bacon,” which involves throwing a giant slab of bacon into the air and hoping it lands somewhere near the end zone. It’s not a play that any coach would technically recommend, but it’s certainly one that’s gained traction among fans who prefer watching complete chaos.
“We were down by 17 points, and the clock was ticking,” said Coach Rick Muttonhead of the Kansas City Crunchberries. “So I said, ‘Screw it, let’s try the Hail Bacon.’ It was our only option. The bacon got intercepted by a squirrel, but you know what? It was still a win in my book.”
3. Quarterback Drama: The Famed “Throw the Ball at the Moon” Strategy
As if NFL quarterbacks weren’t already hard enough to understand, they’ve recently been experimenting with a new technique—throwing the ball directly at the moon. The theory is that the ball will come back down in a perfect spiral, landing exactly where the receiver is supposed to be. Unfortunately, it’s unclear if this strategy is ever going to work, but it does have one clear benefit: it’s great for ratings.
“To the moon”
“We’ve been working on it all off-season,” said veteran quarterback Phil “Flingmaster” Jenkins, who is currently leading the Los Angeles Unicorns (don’t ask, it’s a long story). “I’m telling you, when I launch that ball, I’m thinking about the moon and not the defender in front of me. That’s my secret. Plus, the fans love the fireworks.”
It’s safe to say the moon-based strategy has yet to be fully “successful,” but it’s sparked a nationwide debate about whether the NFL should invest in space travel, just in case things go south.
4. The Ultimate Half-Time Show: Synchronized Grocery Cart Racing
The half-time show is traditionally a time for spectacular musical performances, but the NFL has finally seen the light and turned to something far more thrilling: synchronized grocery cart racing. A pilot event during the season opener saw players and cheerleaders teaming up to race shopping carts down the 50-yard line while trying to avoid obstacles like spilled soda, rogue hotdog stands, and a confused old lady just trying to buy her frozen peas.
Starting Line for Grocery Cart Racing
“The fans are really digging it,” said Carrie “Cartwheel” Evans, who currently holds the record for the fastest grocery cart lap. “I’ve been practicing my turns in the aisles at Target, and let me tell you, it’s paying off. No one sees the turn coming. Not even me. Especially not me.”
5. The Newest Rule: The “Duck and Cover” Quarterback Safety Protocol
In an unprecedented move to protect quarterbacks from getting hit too hard, the NFL has introduced a “Duck and Cover” rule. If a quarterback is about to be sacked, they are legally allowed to curl up into a small, tightly packed ball and roll off the field like a human burrito. This change was made in response to growing concerns about concussions, but critics argue that it’s more of a “safety blanket” than a solution.
“I don’t even know what’s happening anymore,” said New York Blimps coach Clyde McFudd. “One minute we’re tackling people, and the next minute we’re treating quarterbacks like they’re puppies in a protective bubble. I miss the good old days when we just let them get pancaked.”
In conclusion, the NFL continues to innovate with some truly questionable ideas. From snack-based MVPs to celestial quarterback strategies, it’s clear that the future of football is less about touchdowns and more about creating an absurd spectacle for the masses. But don’t worry, fans—no matter how many moons they aim for, there’s always going to be a place for really big hits, bacon, and grocery carts on the field.
“Is it football?” Jenkins asked, as he handed me a hot dog and a foam finger. “I don’t know. But it sure is something.”
And that’s the game, folks. Keep your helmets on and your expectations low.
