In a groundbreaking revelation that has rocked both the scientific community and the entire human race, NASA has confirmed that extraterrestrial civilizations have been actively avoiding Earth for decades—and the reason is far more absurd than we could have imagined: our reality television shows.
NASA
A recent study, led by NASA’s Chief Astronomical Liasion to the Unimpressed (CALU), Dr. Rebecca Pulsar, found that alien species have been monitoring Earth for years, but after tuning in to a few episodes of The Bachelor, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and Love Island, they’ve collectively decided our planet is “not worth the intergalactic flight time.”
“We’ve been trying to make contact for ages,” Dr. Pulsar explained at a press conference, wearing what appeared to be a homemade T-shirt that read, “I Survived Earth’s Prime Time.” “But every time we send a probe or a signal, the aliens go, ‘Wait, this is where that show comes from? Yeah, no thanks.’”
Dr. Pulsar’s team, which has been tracking alien communications for years, uncovered a series of intercepted transmissions that suggest that after watching only a few minutes of Jersey Shore, most alien civilizations made an immediate U-turn back into deep space. “It’s like they looked at us and thought, ‘You know what? We’ll take the long way around the Milky Way. Avoiding Earth is worth it.’”
The data is both alarming and, to some, strangely comforting. According to one alien contact, who remains anonymous but insists on going by the name “Zog” from the planet Gluthar-9, “We saw Big Brother and immediately filed a complaint with the Galactic Federation. There’s no way we were going to risk visiting a species that thinks people voluntarily live in a house where the cameras never stop rolling. It’s like, they know we’re watching, and yet they still do it.”
While NASA’s findings have caused some unease, others are more hopeful. “If they’re avoiding us because of The Real Housewives, maybe that’s a blessing in disguise,” said Professor Harland Quaff, a cultural historian at the University of Earth. “I mean, imagine the horrors that might await an alien species that stumbles upon 90 Day Fiancé. It’s a mercy mission at this point.”
In an ironic twist, however, NASA’s own media department has already capitalized on this discovery. The agency has announced a new reality series called Alien Encounters: First Contact. The show will feature real-life aliens (via CGI, of course) interacting with humans for the first time. Early teasers promise drama, chaos, and—most likely—plenty of bad decisions made for the cameras.
“I think we can all agree,” Dr. Pulsar concluded, “we’d be better off if we focused less on creating artificial drama and more on getting our own act together before the aliens show up for real. But hey, maybe the truth is out there—and it’s really, really good TV.”
The series, however, has already been greenlit for 17 seasons, so don’t hold your breath for any major cosmic revelations just yet.
