Congress – Yeah, It’s a congress for sure
In a bold move that’s likely to send turkeys into a panic, Congress has officially passed a bill to rename Thanksgiving to “Pre-Black Friday Shopping Day.” The legislation, which passed with overwhelming support from both major parties, aims to align national holidays more closely with “the true spirit of capitalism,” according to key sponsors.
“This is a game-changer,” said Senator Jerry McGripen (R-Influx), who co-authored the bill. “Thanksgiving is fine and all, with its food, family, and tradition, but let’s be honest: the real reason we gather around the table is to plan our Walmart strategies for the next day. Now we’ll have a day dedicated to that—no distractions.”
The bill mandates that all Thanksgiving celebrations now include a 48-hour shopping window, beginning promptly at 6 a.m. on Thursday and ending just after midnight on Friday. Stores will open at the crack of dawn, but instead of offering turkey or mashed potatoes, they’ll be handing out discount coupons for 70% off waffle irons, television sets, and seasonal lawn decorations.
“We’re calling it ‘Stuff Your Cart, Not Your Face,’” said Gloria VanTrendsetter, a spokesperson for the National Retailers Association. “We’re not here to shame people for wanting to buy things they don’t need. We’re just giving them the opportunity to do it in the spirit of unity—among shoppers, of course. It’s not about family, it’s about that one time of year when the electronics section looks like a NASCAR race.”
Many families are reportedly thrilled by the new holiday name, with some already redesigning their Thanksgiving traditions.
“I used to make my grandma’s famous pumpkin pie, but now I’m going to be standing in line for a 24-piece cookware set at Target,” said Jessica Andrews, a mother of two from Idaho. “Family? More like brand loyalty. This is what the American dream is all about.”
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Meanwhile, others are less enthusiastic about the change. “I liked Thanksgiving when it was about giving thanks, not buying an iPad for 40% off,” grumbled Richard Donnelly, a local librarian. “But, hey, at least I’ll get 10% off on my new socks, right?”
The bill also introduces a mandatory “Black Friday Eve” celebration, where citizens will prepare for the annual retail frenzy by participating in activities like doorbuster yoga, shopping cart sprinting, and speed-dating with store managers. Experts predict that the National Day of Consumerism will soon eclipse Christmas as the most widely observed holiday in America, with a strong showing in states like Florida and Texas, where the obsession with sales already runs deep.
“We’re really just returning to our roots,” said Rep. Linda Spector (D-Savings), who spearheaded the bill. “Back in the day, pilgrims were grateful for their new shoes, so why shouldn’t we be thankful for 40% off Bose headphones?”
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With Thanksgiving’s focus officially shifted to shopping, some are questioning what this means for Black Friday itself. “Honestly, who knows,” said Tim “Deals” Montgomery, a professional bargain hunter. “I’m just here for the chaos. I’ll take my 60-inch TV in the parking lot, I don’t care where it comes from.”
In related news, Congress is also looking into renaming Christmas as “Pre-New Year’s Clearance Day,” a move that has already generated significant bipartisan support.
Stay tuned for further updates as the nation adjusts to its new holiday schedule. The first person to publicly announce their dissatisfaction will likely be a member of Congress, but we’re not holding our breath for them to pay full price on anything.
