As families across the country prepare for their Thanksgiving feasts, it seems that an alarming trend has emerged: the beloved Pinterest cooking instructions, adored by novice chefs everywhere, are completely and utterly useless in the real world. Experts are now advising against following the “timesaving” tips that promise gourmet meals with minimal effort and instead recommend “actual cooking” as a safer alternative.
Roast Turkey with Herb Compound Butter
“It’s honestly baffling,” says Dr. Trish Burns, a professor of culinary science at the University of Home Cooking, and author of The Danger of Infused Olive Oil: A Cautionary Tale. “Pinterest has led an entire generation of cooks to believe that everything can be made in 20 minutes with just a jar of garlic and a single sprig of rosemary. Do you know how long it actually takes to roast a turkey? Let’s just say ‘not 45 minutes.'”
The phenomenon first caught attention last year, when one viral recipe promised an easy, 10-minute caramelized onion recipe that required no chopping. Instead, you could simply “smash the onions with a rolling pin” and “watch them miraculously turn into a flavor explosion.” Many followed the instructions without question, only to find themselves standing in front of a pile of mushy onion debris and sobbing quietly.
But it doesn’t stop there. Pinterest users have become especially enamored with photos of impossibly perfect mashed potatoes served in whimsical, hand-carved wooden bowls. “It’s like they’re trying to convince us that we can be professional chefs if we own the right bowls,” says Janet Ford, a weary mother of three who tried to recreate a “simple” mashed potato recipe that involved “infusing butter with crushed rosemary” and “whisking in three different kinds of cream” — none of which she had on hand.
Ford, whose family has since been eating store-bought mashed potatoes from a plastic tub, commented, “I spent 45 minutes looking for crushed rosemary at three different grocery stores, only to discover it’s only available in the ‘secret garden’ section of Whole Foods. So now I’m just gonna stick to the microwave. At least that way I won’t accidentally burn myself on Pinterest’s fake oven temperatures.”
Pumpkin Pie
What’s worse, it turns out that the “3-Ingredient Pumpkin Pie”—an extremely popular recipe—calls for ingredients that are clearly impossible to find in any reality that involves working adults and non-spiritual pumpkin devotees. “It asks for ‘fresh pumpkin puree’ from a farm stand that’s 30 miles away and for ‘gently warmed vanilla’ that’s apparently available only during the full moon. When I told my kids they could have store-bought pie, they looked at me like I was speaking in another language,” Ford lamented.
Even Pinterest’s suggestion of preparing an “easy, stress-free turkey” sounds delightful until you realize that your “perfectly crisp skin” is more like “chewy, charred disappointment.” Chef Gordon Ramsay, who recently had to put down his phone after binge-watching Pinterest recipes, commented, “Who do they think they’re fooling with those photoshopped ‘golden brown’ turkeys? My turkey had more wrinkles than a pensioner’s bingo card.”
Cranberry Sauce
While the experts continue to scratch their heads over this digital chaos, one thing is clear: Thanksgiving cooking instructions found on Pinterest are fundamentally not applicable in real life. As Ford, who is now cooking her Thanksgiving dinner in a Crock-Pot, says, “Pinterest is great for crafts and overly ambitious cookie jars. For anything involving actual food, I’ll just keep hitting ‘reheat.’”
In related news, Pinterest has announced a new campaign encouraging users to embrace reality with recipes like “Turkey Sandwich with a Side of Chill” and “Canned Cranberry Sauce: Now with 30% More Confidence.”
