In an absolutely shocking turn of events, a recent survey has revealed that a staggering 90% of Thanksgiving hosts did not prepare for the biggest cooking day of the year until the morning of the holiday. According to the poll conducted by the National Association of Culinary Illiteracy, most hosts simply typed “How to cook turkey” into Google this morning and proceeded to set their alarms for an emotionally traumatic day in the kitchen.
“I honestly had no idea what I was doing,” admitted Karen Donovan, a self-proclaimed ‘Thanksgiving expert’ from Des Moines. “I woke up at 7 a.m. with only one thought in my head: How do I cook a bird without ruining everything? So, I Googled it. And spoiler alert: the turkey is now in the oven, and I haven’t seen it in over two hours. So far, so good!”
While the frantic last-minute Google search is common among most Thanksgiving hosts, experts warn that the trend has escalated this year due to a new phenomenon known as “Turkey Panic.” According to Dr. Tessa Gravy, a behavioral scientist specializing in holiday stress, the rise of last-minute culinary Googling can be attributed to several factors.
Thanksgiving Turkey
“People have gotten so used to relying on technology for basic tasks like finding a parking spot or ordering pizza, that cooking a turkey has become a ‘problem’ they think they can solve in under 60 seconds,” Dr. Gravy explained. “The turkey is the new car, and Google is the new owner’s manual.”
In an effort to maintain some semblance of dignity, many hosts have embraced new and innovative strategies for cooking their bird.
“I was watching a YouTube video on ‘How to Brine a Turkey’ while making a pumpkin pie, and I accidentally clicked on a ‘How to Defrost a Turkey in 30 Minutes’ tutorial. Now, my turkey’s in the microwave. Don’t judge me,” confessed Jeff Rowland, a Thanksgiving novice who has been cooking turkey for at least seven years. “I’ll admit, I thought the turkey was supposed to fit into the microwave, but at least it’s thawing, right?”
Meanwhile, some hosts are taking a more unconventional approach, hoping to bypass their lack of culinary skills altogether. Emily Richards, a local mom, admitted, “I was planning on just serving chips and calling it a ‘new tradition,’ but then I realized no one would let me live it down. So, I took the turkey out of the freezer at 6:30 this morning and prayed for a miracle.”
Experts agree that this year’s turkey trend shows no signs of slowing down. In fact, the National Association of Culinary Illiteracy is predicting that by 2025, an astonishing 98% of Thanksgiving hosts will rely on “How-To” videos created by TikTok influencers who think it’s hilarious to roast turkeys with a blow torch.
So, if you find yourself staring at a half-cooked turkey this year, just remember you’re not alone. We’re all out here Googling things like “Can I cook a frozen turkey?” and “Will I be arrested for burning this house down?” as we navigate yet another holiday season of total culinary chaos.
And if all else fails, there’s always takeout… right?
