In a shocking display of sheer modern-day hardship, local teen Greg “G-Man” Richards, 17, has proclaimed that “no one understands my struggle” after enduring a full 24 hours without Wi-Fi. The harrowing experience, which took place last weekend in his parents’ home, has left Richards reeling and questioning the very nature of human existence.
Greg “G-Man” Richards
“I literally woke up, went downstairs, and like, my phone just wouldn’t connect. I thought it was a glitch, like, maybe the Wi-Fi was just taking a minute to wake up,” Richards said, eyes wide with the raw trauma of it all. “But then I checked and—nope. No Wi-Fi. It was just gone. Like, forever. I didn’t even know how to breathe at first. I was like, do I need to breathe? Or is it just… a social construct?”
The first few hours were the most difficult, as Richards reportedly spent nearly an hour pacing back and forth, trying to figure out how he would survive. “I went to the kitchen and tried to make a sandwich, but then I realized—I couldn’t even look up how to make a sandwich because Google is a thing that needs Wi-Fi,” he explained, a deep, palpable sadness in his voice. “I thought I was going to die. Seriously. I almost called 911.”
Local sources report that Richards’ panic escalated when he discovered the true extent of his digital disconnect. “I couldn’t even refresh Instagram. I tried. I tried so hard,” he continued. “But nothing. No memes, no TikToks. I was trapped in a vortex of boredom. I actually had to talk to my mom. And get this—I listened to her. I heard about her day, and it was horrible. But like, not as horrible as mine, because she has Wi-Fi.”
According to Richards’ mother, Carol, the incident was a valuable lesson for him. “Greg spent the entire day wandering around like a lost puppy. He was too busy refreshing his phone, hoping it would magically fix itself. At one point, he asked me what a book was. I had to show him one,” Carol said, her voice brimming with exasperated love. “It was honestly cute how clueless he was.”
The 17-year-old also took the struggle to social media, posting a solemn selfie on his account with the caption: “Day 1 without Wi-Fi. Can’t even check my Snap streaks. Pray for me. #NoWiFiNoLife.”
His followers—many of whom appeared to be in the same boat—rallied around him. “Honestly, I feel you, bro,” commented one friend, who claimed to have been without Wi-Fi for a full hour and a half earlier this week. “It’s like living in the stone age. I was so bored I had to talk to my parents. In person.”
As of press time, Richards is recovering by binge-watching Netflix and telling everyone he’s “working on a school project” to justify the 12 hours of screen time he’s racked up since the Wi-Fi returned. “Honestly, I’m just trying to get my life back together,” he said. “But it’s gonna take time. I can’t be rushed. It’s like, I need to re-enter society slowly, you know? One meme at a time.”
While the Wi-Fi issue has since been resolved, sources say the trauma may stay with Richards forever. The teen has reportedly been seen hugging his router while whispering, “Thank you for saving me.”
