In what is being hailed as the most groundbreaking health revelation of the century, a new study from the prestigious Institute of Couch Potato Science (ICPS) reveals that watching sports on TV burns more calories than actually participating in the sport. The study, which was funded by a grant from the National Nap Foundation, is expected to change the way we think about fitness, exercise, and—frankly—our entire existence.
burn calories watching tv
The study, which involved a sample group of 3,000 people, found that participants burned an average of 600 calories per hour simply by sitting on the couch, staring blankly at a screen, and aggressively shouting at the referees. The group, composed primarily of sports fans, achieved this astounding caloric burn through a combination of nervous energy, intense emotional stress, and the occasional stand-up-and-yell-at-the-TV moment.
Dr. Ivor Sitwell, the lead researcher on the project, explained the findings with a mixture of pride and disbelief: “We initially thought it was a fluke when one of our subjects lost 2 pounds during a six-hour viewing marathon of The Big Game. But after several more tests—including one with an unreasonably large bowl of chips—we realized that the act of watching sports requires more energy than running a marathon… if you count the calories burned from guilt, excitement, and yelling at the screen.”
The study also revealed that certain sports, like basketball and football, offer a particularly high calorie burn due to the frequent instances of fans “slapping their knees in disbelief” and “throwing their hands up in frustration.” “It’s like a full-body workout,” Dr. Sitwell added. “You’ve got your biceps working every time you clench your fists at the ref, and don’t even get me started on the calories burned from post-game rage-eating.”
burn calories watching tv
Not everyone is convinced by the results, however. “I don’t need to be told that watching a game is better than running a 5K,” said Brad Thompson, a local gym-goer who insists on posting gym selfies on Instagram. “But I do need to know how many calories I’m burning when I’m watching that football game where my team lost in the last 30 seconds. Is it a solid 600, or more like 1,000?”
The research, which has already been published in the Journal of Unlikely Science, comes with several caveats. The study also found that the calorie burn is inversely proportional to the amount of beer consumed, meaning that the more you drink while watching sports, the fewer calories you’ll actually burn—although the joy of watching your team win does help offset the effects of the beer belly.
In an unexpected twist, the study also found that watching sports on TV is even more effective than regular exercise when combined with “briskly scrolling through Twitter during halftime.” According to the research, this multitasking creates a “cognitive burn” that activates neurons in the brain that are usually dormant during real workouts, like when you remember that you haven’t done laundry in two weeks.
So, if you’ve been trying to get fit but haven’t found the time for actual sports or exercise, fear not! Just grab a remote, sink into your couch, and prepare to burn those calories. You’re welcome, world.
