In what can only be described as a breakthrough in sports psychology, the Oakwood High School Hornets have revealed their top-secret strategy for a perfect football season: “Just tell them they’re going to the NFL.”
This bold and undeniably ridiculous approach has led the Hornets to an undefeated record, shattering records, expectations, and possibly a few laws of reason.
Cowboys Stadium
“We just told the guys, ‘Hey, you’re going to the NFL. We’ve already called your agent,’” said head coach Brent “The Buzz” Johnson, whose nickname reportedly comes from both his coaching style and the constant caffeine in his bloodstream. “After that, they were unstoppable. Honestly, we were just trying to get them to focus on one game at a time, but then I thought, ‘What if we sold them on the dream? So, I did.’ And boom—total game-changer.”
The players, clearly overwhelmed with the weight of this future they did not entirely understand, began playing like they were auditioning for a spot on Monday Night Football, despite none of them having ever been on a plane to any city where an NFL game is played.
Quarterback Tyler “Big Shot” Thompson—who threw an impressive 45-yard pass last Friday, despite his only previous experience being in the school’s flag football league—was one of the most notable beneficiaries of this peculiar motivation tactic.
“I didn’t even know what NFL stood for at first,” Thompson admitted, his helmet slightly askew. “But when Coach told me I was going, I just ran with it—literally. Honestly, my knees don’t feel great, but I’ve been telling myself I’m doing it for the endorsement deals.”
Indeed, the entire team now seems driven by thoughts of luxury cars and endorsements, with wide receiver Alex “Cash” Carter already planning his first clothing line. “I’m gonna get a gold chain with my jersey number on it,” he said, “then I’ll wear it to all my private jets.”
Meanwhile, defensive tackle Jimmy “The Wall” Walker, who once ate a bag of chips on the sideline in the middle of a game, now spends most of his time watching highlight reels of NFL players on TikTok and working out with no particular routine. “I don’t even know what a pass rush is, but I’m gonna be in the NFL, so I’ll figure it out,” he said, flexing his muscles in what appeared to be a random sequence of arm stretches.
Despite the success of the “NFL Motivation Plan,” critics have raised questions about the ethical implications of this coaching strategy. Dr. Sally Robbins, a sports psychologist and expert in rational coaching methods, was quick to offer her thoughts.
“This is ludicrous. These kids are being set up for a major disappointment when they find out that, at best, their future involves either playing in community leagues or, you know, working at a fast-food restaurant because they can’t even catch a cold, let alone a pass.”
However, the Hornets remain unfazed. “Look, we’re winning,” Coach Johnson said, sipping his 12th energy drink of the day. “Who cares if it’s built on a foundation of lies and delusion? When we win the state championship, I’ll start making calls to the NFL, just in case.”
For now, Oakwood High is enjoying their newfound fame. The team’s next game will be broadcasted on a local station, immediately following the local news segment on the mayor’s cat getting stuck in a tree. The Hornets, however, seem unfazed, convinced that their dream careers are only a few touchdowns away.
And maybe, just maybe, they’ll end up in the NFL. Or, at least, on a bus ride to the next game—hopefully, in a “sponsored” vehicle.
