In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that an FDA vaccine official, Dr. Fauci McVax, has been restricting COVID vaccine approvals against the advice of agency staff. This comes as a major blow to the fight against the pandemic, as it seems that our very own health officials are playing a game of vaccine roulette.
According to insider sources, Dr. McVax has been heard saying, “I don’t trust these vaccines. Who knows what kind of side effects they could have? Let’s just stick to good old-fashioned vitamin C shots for now.” This has left many scratching their heads and wondering if Dr. McVax is actually a secret anti-vaxxer in disguise.
When questioned about his decision, Dr. McVax simply responded, “I’ve seen one too many zombie movies to trust these experimental vaccines. I’d rather take my chances with the undead than with a needle full of who-knows-what.” It seems that Dr. McVax’s fear of a zombie apocalypse may be clouding his judgment when it comes to public health.
Meanwhile, FDA staff members are reportedly pulling their hair out trying to convince Dr. McVax that the vaccines are safe and effective. One anonymous source revealed, “We’ve tried everything from PowerPoint presentations to interpretive dance, but nothing seems to get through to him. It’s like he’s living in a parallel universe where COVID doesn’t exist.”
As the rest of the world races to vaccinate their populations and curb the spread of the virus, it seems that Dr. McVax is content to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Who knows what other conspiracy theories he may be harboring in that brilliant but misguided mind of his.
In the meantime, we can only hope that Dr. McVax comes to his senses and starts listening to the experts around him. Otherwise, we may be facing a future where the only protection against COVID is a tinfoil hat and a can of Lysol. Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story, brought to you by the most trusted name in satire news.
