Port-au-Prince, Haiti – In a shocking turn of events, the United Nations has declared that Haiti’s gangs have ‘near-total control’ of the capital as violence continues to escalate. The streets of Port-au-Prince are no longer safe, with gang members roaming freely and wreaking havoc on the city.
According to UN spokesperson, Maria Von Chaos, “The situation in Haiti is dire. The gangs have taken over the streets and are terrorizing the population. It’s like the Wild West out there, but with more voodoo and less cowboys.”
Local resident, Jean-Claude Baguette, shared his experience with the gangs, saying, “I was just trying to buy a baguette when a gang member approached me and demanded all my money. I tried to reason with him, but he just laughed and said, ‘Baguettes don’t pay the bills, buddy.'”
The gangs have even taken control of the local government, with Mayor Pierre Le Croissant being forced to work under their rule. In a statement to the press, Le Croissant said, “I am just a humble mayor trying to do my job, but the gangs have made it impossible. They even made me change the city’s name to ‘Ganglandia’.”
In a desperate attempt to regain control, the UN has proposed sending in a peacekeeping force. However, gang leader, Big Papa Tostada, has warned against any interference. In a menacing message to the UN, Tostada said, “We don’t take kindly to outsiders meddling in our business. If they try to stop us, we’ll make sure they’re toast.”
As the violence in Haiti escalates, it seems that the gangs are here to stay. The people of Port-au-Prince can only hope for a miracle to save them from the reign of terror. In the words of renowned voodoo priestess, Madame La Baguette, “The only way to defeat the gangs is with magic. I’ll be brewing up a special potion to banish them from our streets. Just make sure to bring me a baguette as payment.”
