In a stunning display of confidence, President Donald Trump is urging House Republicans to put aside their “grandstanding” and deliver his “big, beautiful bill” by July 4th. The bill, which Trump claims will be the best healthcare plan in history, has been met with skepticism and eye rolls from both sides of the aisle.
In a tweetstorm early this morning, Trump called out his fellow Republicans for their lack of progress on the bill, saying, “I don’t care about the grandstanders and the haters, I just want my big, beautiful bill on my desk by July 4th. Let’s make America great again!”
House Speaker Paul Ryan, who has been struggling to corral his party’s support for the bill, responded by saying, “We are working hard to deliver on the President’s vision for healthcare reform. We just need a little more time to iron out the details.” However, sources close to Ryan reveal that he has been seen pulling his hair out in frustration behind closed doors.
In a press conference later in the day, Trump doubled down on his demands, stating, “I don’t want any more excuses. I want results. And I want them fast.” When asked about the specifics of the bill, Trump responded with a wink and a smile, saying, “It’s going to be tremendous. Believe me.”
Meanwhile, House Republicans have been scrambling to meet the President’s deadline, with some even resorting to bribery and blackmail to secure support. One anonymous source revealed, “I saw Rep. Smith offering free golf trips to anyone who votes in favor of the bill. It’s like a scene straight out of House of Cards.”
As the July 4th deadline looms closer, tensions are running high in Washington. Will House Republicans be able to deliver Trump’s “big, beautiful bill” in time? Or will the grandstanders and haters prevail? Only time will tell. Stay tuned for more updates on this absurdly entertaining saga.
