In a groundbreaking and entirely shocking revelation, the HR department at GlobalTech Inc. has admitted they have absolutely no idea what their actual job is. The admission came during a company-wide Zoom call that was originally scheduled to discuss “synergy improvements,” but quickly devolved into an open-ended therapy session about what “HR” even stands for anymore.
Linda Parks, HR Director
“I mean, if you think about it, what even is HR?” said Linda Parks, HR Director, while scrolling through her phone and occasionally muting herself to eat potato chips. “I’ve spent the last 12 years holding mandatory meetings, sending passive-aggressive emails, and listening to complaints about the office temperature. But, honestly, we’ve just been winging it. For real.”
Parks, who had previously been responsible for mediating office conflicts over the last donut in the break room, continued her monologue with a mix of nostalgia and confusion. “There was that one time I wrote a policy on ‘appropriate email salutations’… but like, does that really help anyone? I don’t know. But we did it. And it felt important. Mostly, I just approve vacation days and pretend I understand what an ’employee engagement survey’ actually measures.”
This dramatic confession comes after months of growing suspicion among the staff that the HR team may be more of a “mystical entity” than a functional department. Many employees have noted that HR’s presence in the office is more ceremonial than anything else, akin to the office’s indoor plants or the stapler that’s never actually used but is somehow always available.
“I’ve worked here for five years, and I couldn’t tell you what HR does,” said Kyle, a self-proclaimed ‘team player’ in the marketing department. “Like, they make us sign stuff, sure, and sometimes they run the office karaoke event. But what is HR? Are they supposed to, like, manage humans? Is that a thing?”
Despite these revelations, HR has remained remarkably calm, perhaps because they don’t know how to respond to anything. “Our job is, like, ‘people.’ You know, to make sure people are… um… people-ing in the workplace,” said Tom, the HR assistant who has been doing spreadsheets for five years and has never been sure if any of the numbers on them are real. “Honestly, we’ve been asked to do ‘onboarding,’ but we mostly just show them where the coffee machine is and avoid eye contact until the new hires figure it out themselves.”
While the admission has certainly shocked some, others have taken it in stride, realizing that HR’s mysterious ways may actually be their greatest strength. “They don’t know what they do, but neither do we,” said Karen from accounting, a woman who once tried to introduce ‘casual Tuesdays.’ “It’s honestly refreshing. At least I’m not alone in the confusion.”
HR plans to host an all-day retreat next month to further explore the concept of “job functions.” In the meantime, they’ve set up an anonymous suggestion box for employees who want to know, once and for all, whether HR actually exists outside of email chains. Spoiler: It doesn’t.
In conclusion, it seems that HR is, after all, just a collective group of people trying to avoid being fired.
