In a shocking turn of events, renowned agroterrorism expert Dr. Phil McCracken has issued a dire warning to the United States, stating that Chinese agroterrorism could threaten our very survival as a nation. Yes, you heard that right – forget about nuclear war or alien invasions, it’s the soybeans and corn we should be worried about!
Dr. McCracken, who is definitely not a made-up name, explained in a recent press conference that China has been secretly plotting to destroy America’s agricultural industry through a series of diabolical schemes. “They’ve been sending us contaminated seeds, genetically modified crops, and even weaponized tofu,” he declared dramatically.
When asked about the potential consequences of such an attack, Dr. McCracken replied, “Well, imagine a world without avocado toast, kale smoothies, or pumpkin spice lattes. It would be utter chaos! We’d all be forced to survive on Twinkies and Spam.”
In response to Dr. McCracken’s warning, President Joe Schmoe held an emergency meeting with top agricultural officials to discuss the looming threat. “We cannot let the Chinese destroy our precious farms and ranches,” he proclaimed. “We must fight back with everything we’ve got – even if it means eating Brussels sprouts for every meal.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed expert on all things Chinese, Randy McRibbons, chimed in with his own theories on the matter. “I’ve been saying for years that China is out to get us,” he ranted. “They’ve been planting spy vegetables in our gardens and infiltrating our farmers markets. It’s a vegetable invasion, I tell ya!”
As the nation braces itself for a potential agro- Armageddon, one thing is for certain – we will never look at a fortune cookie the same way again. So stock up on your quinoa and quiche, folks, because the Chinese may be coming for our crops, but they’ll never take our freedom…or our sense of humor!
