In an unexpected twist of corporate logic, BigTechCo CEO Ronald J. Blunderbroke has announced record-breaking profits for the third quarter, immediately followed by a bold new initiative to cut employee benefits in the name of “efficiency.” In a move that has left both employees and industry experts scratching their heads, Blunderbroke confidently declared, “We’re breaking records, folks. And now, we’re also breaking benefits. But only to make things run smoother, obviously.”
Pie Chart
The announcement came during a company-wide Zoom call, where Blunderbroke shared a screen full of color-coded pie charts that, to the untrained eye, resembled a toddler’s art project. He proudly boasted that BigTechCo had posted a 412% increase in profits, fueled by “aggressive margin optimization strategies” (which, according to some employees, translates to cutting the size of the office coffee cups by 40%).
Blunderbroke’s statement on employee benefits left some in the audience more confused than a cat in a swimming pool. “We’ve done the math,” he continued, “and if we eliminate maternity leave, health insurance, and free pizza Fridays, we can allocate that extra 3% directly into expanding our C-suite office with a foosball table made of solid gold. That’s what efficiency looks like.”
Healthcare benefits
The decision was met with mixed reactions, most notably from BigTechCo’s HR department. “Look, I get it. Efficiency is important. But I’m not sure if I can convince my team that removing dental coverage and adding a marble fountain to the CEO’s office is, in fact, ‘streamlining,’” said Susan Patel, the company’s Director of Human Resources and apparent newly appointed martyr. “But hey, maybe I’m just old-fashioned. Who needs health insurance when you have a foosball table?”
Employees, meanwhile, have taken to social media to express their confusion. “Wait, we’re being told to work harder, faster, and smarter, but we’re losing access to the thing that makes us work — like, you know, food and medicine?” said Greg, a software engineer who goes by the handle @CodeMaster69. “But I guess if I’m getting more done while I have less access to medical care, that’s efficiency.”
In an attempt to rally support, Blunderbroke promised that while employee benefits would be slashed, the company would provide employees with a new, cutting-edge tool to stay motivated: “The Efficiency Belt™.” This new invention, Blunderbroke explained, was a state-of-the-art, waist-tightening device that ensures workers stay productive by limiting movement and freedom of breath. “It’s basically a personal trainer for your work ethic,” he said, while adjusting his own belt tighter, which, for some reason, had a dollar sign engraved on it.
“I’ve tried it. I’ve never felt more alive,” Blunderbroke added, sweat visibly pouring down his face.
In an unanticipated move, BigTechCo also revealed plans to remove all desks from the office, forcing employees to work while standing on one foot for “better posture and mental clarity.”
As for the future, Blunderbroke made it clear that efficiency would continue to be a top priority. “In the coming weeks, we plan to introduce a new program where employees must work from home… but only on Tuesdays. This will eliminate the waste of excessive productivity that happens on other days. Think of the possibilities!”
At press time, sources confirmed that Blunderbroke had already submitted plans to have all employees’ names replaced with QR codes in the company directory to reduce “employee individuality.”
Stay tuned for more updates as we continue to follow the ever-evolving, logically flawless business strategy of BigTechCo.
