In a shocking turn of events, century-old temperature records are being shattered left and right as a scorching heat dome descends upon the Northeast, leaving millions of residents feeling like they’re living in the fiery depths of hell. The heat wave has been dubbed “Satan’s Sauna” by meteorologists, and it’s not hard to see why.
“It’s hotter than a jalapeño’s armpit out there,” said fake meteorologist Dr. Heatwave McSizzle. “I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years of forecasting. This heat dome is like the Hulk of weather systems – it just keeps smashing through records without breaking a sweat…well, actually, it’s breaking a lot of sweat. It’s really hot.”
Residents are feeling the heat in more ways than one. Fake news reporter Sally Scorcherson interviewed local man Bob Sweatpants, who had this to say about the scorching temperatures: “I’ve resorted to cooking eggs on the sidewalk because it’s too damn hot to turn on my stove. It’s like a sauna out here, but without the relaxing steam and soothing music. I’m just sweating buckets and regretting every life choice that led me to this moment.”
Even pets are feeling the heat. Fake veterinarian Dr. Furry McPaws shared a cautionary tale about a cat named Fluffy who tried to sunbathe for too long and ended up with heatstroke. “Fluffy thought she was invincible, but even she couldn’t withstand the fiery wrath of the heat dome. Now she’s on a strict diet of ice cubes and air conditioning until she learns her lesson.”
As the temperatures continue to rise, fake Mayor Bill Sweaterson has issued a statement urging residents to stay indoors and avoid unnecessary outdoor activities. “We’re facing a hot mess of a situation here, folks. Let’s all do our part to stay cool and hydrated, and maybe pray to the weather gods for some relief. Preferably in the form of a blizzard.”
In the meantime, residents are advised to stock up on sunscreen, ice cream, and industrial-sized fans as they ride out the heat wave from the comfort of their air-conditioned cocoons. Stay cool, Northeast – and remember, this too shall pass. Or at least, we hope it will.
