In a shocking turn of events, Iran has launched a missile attack on a US base in Qatar, according to a defense official who may or may not have been napping on the job. The attack reportedly left the base in ruins, with the only casualty being a vending machine that was obliterated in the crossfire.
“We were just sitting around, minding our own business, when all of a sudden, boom! The vending machine was gone,” said Private Jenkins, who may or may not have been the one responsible for accidentally setting off the missile defense system. “I was just trying to get a Snickers bar, and next thing I know, I’m being accused of triggering World War III.”
The defense official, who requested to remain anonymous because they were too embarrassed to admit they were playing Candy Crush instead of monitoring the radar, assured the public that the situation was under control. “We have top men working on this,” said the official, who may or may not have been referring to the janitorial staff tasked with cleaning up the vending machine debris.
Meanwhile, President Trump, who was reportedly in the middle of a round of golf when the attack occurred, took to Twitter to express his outrage. “Sad! Iran thinks they can mess with us, but they don’t stand a chance against our powerful military and superior snack food selection,” tweeted the President, who may or may not have been referring to the fact that he was more upset about the loss of the vending machine than the actual missile attack.
As tensions continue to rise between Iran and the US, one thing is clear: the real victims in this conflict are the poor souls who now have to walk all the way to the cafeteria for a bag of chips. Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story, and remember to always check the expiration date on your missiles before launching them.
