In a bizarre turn of events, Minnesota officials have stumbled upon a car and hat belonging to suspected assassin Vance Boelter on a highway in what they are calling a “fluid” search. The discovery has left authorities scratching their heads and the public wondering just how slippery this suspect really is.
The car, a beat-up old sedan covered in bumper stickers declaring “I Brake for Assassinations,” was found abandoned on the side of the road with a note taped to the windshield that read, “Gone assassinating, be back never.” The hat, a bright orange number with the words “Hitman Extraordinaire” embroidered on the front, was found a few yards away, leading investigators to believe that Boelter may have made a hasty escape on foot.
“We are doing everything in our power to track down Mr. Boelter and bring him to justice,” said Sheriff Randy Johnson, who was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the sight of the abandoned car. “This is a truly fluid situation, but rest assured, we will not stop until we have this assassin in custody.”
When asked for comment, Boelter’s neighbor, Mildred Jenkins, had this to say: “I always knew Vance was a little off, but I never thought he would go so far as to become an assassin. I guess you never really know someone until they start leaving their murder gear on the side of the highway.”
As the search for Boelter continues, residents of Minnesota are urged to remain vigilant and report any suspicious activity to authorities. In the meantime, Sheriff Johnson and his team are working tirelessly to piece together the puzzle of Boelter’s whereabouts.
“We will not rest until we have this assassin behind bars,” Johnson declared, his fist raised in determination. “And when we do, I guarantee you there will be no more hats left lying around on our highways. Not on my watch.”
