**Boulder Terror Attack Suspect Mohamed Sabry Soliman Charged with Murder and Assault: A Comedy of Errors**
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by a team of caffeinated monkeys, Boulder’s very own Mohamed Sabry Soliman has been charged with murder and assault following a series of events that left local authorities scratching their heads and the rest of us wondering if we accidentally tuned into a low-budget action movie.
Witnesses reported that Soliman, 32, was seen attempting to “attack” a local coffee shop’s Wi-Fi password after being denied access. “He was yelling something about ‘free Wi-Fi or death!’” said local barista, Java Bean. “I thought he was just really passionate about his lattes.”
As the story unfolded, it became clear that Soliman’s alleged “terror” was less about violence and more about a desperate need for caffeine. “I just wanted to get my morning fix!” he reportedly shouted while being handcuffed. “Is that a crime now?”
Local resident and self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist, Bob “The Brain” McGillicuddy, weighed in on the situation. “This is clearly a government plot to keep us from enjoying our pumpkin spice lattes! They know we can’t function without our caffeine!”
In a bizarre twist, Soliman’s defense attorney, Sue Flay, argued that her client was merely “misunderstood.” “He thought he was auditioning for a reality show called ‘Survivor: Coffee Shop Edition,’” she claimed. “Who wouldn’t want to fight for the last scone?”
As Boulder prepares for the trial, one thing is clear: the only real terror here is the thought of a world without Wi-Fi. Stay tuned for updates, and remember folks, always check your coffee shop’s password before launching a full-scale assault!
