Thinking of the perfect gift?
Black Friday is upon us, and with it comes the promise of mind-numbing crowds, the sweet smell of discounted consumerism, and the latest, hottest gifts that will make you feel better about your life choices (for at least 10 minutes). Whether you’re braving the chaos in-store or hitting the online sales with a vengeance, here’s our definitive guide to the five hottest gifts on Black Friday that will definitely not disappoint… or at least provide a hilarious story for later.
1. The Self-Watering Potted Plant (Because You Can’t Even Water a Plant, Apparently)
Self Watering Potted Plant
Nothing screams “adulting” like a self-watering potted plant that you won’t kill in two weeks. “I got this for my wife, and now she’s convinced I’m the best husband in the world,” said Greg from Des Moines, who apparently thinks watering plants was the only thing standing between him and marital bliss. The self-watering plant is guaranteed to make you feel like you’ve finally solved the mystery of basic biology, and if you somehow manage to kill it, there’s always a 15% off coupon next year. The future is here, folks, and it’s leafy. Major Retailers such as WallyWorld, KangaMart, and Amatron will have the self-watering potted plants available starting at midnight eastern on November 29, 2024.
2. The Voice-Controlled Toaster (Because Why Not?)
Voice Controlled Toaster Oven
In a move that only tech companies could deem necessary, this year’s hottest gift is the voice-controlled toaster. “You can just tell it ‘toast my bread’ and boom, perfect toast,” says Laura, a completely real person who has actually never seen bread in her life. “It also syncs with Alexa, so now I can finally tell my toaster all my deepest thoughts. It’s like having a conversation with someone who doesn’t judge you.” If you’ve ever wanted to have an existential crisis while waiting for your breakfast, this toaster is for you. This toaster is only available at Marcy’s and Kohrks. You can purchase online starting on Thanksgiving morning at 9:00 AM EST.
3. A Box of 100% Organic Air (From a Tree, Probably)
For the eco-conscious shopper who’s already saving the planet by reusing their coffee cup, why not gift them a box of organic air? “It’s just air,” says Alan, a self-proclaimed ‘environmental expert’ from Portland. “But it’s sourced from a tree. And it’s sealed in a box, which makes it… special, I guess.” The box, which weighs roughly the same as an actual box of air (zero pounds), promises to elevate your breathing experience to new, almost entirely hypothetical levels. As for the price tag? A mere $499.99. Don’t worry – it’s on sale and available through all online retailers. Amatron says that whenever you order 2 boxes, you get the third for free. Sounds like a steal of a deal.
4. The Remote-Controlled Twerking Santa (For When You Need to Add Spice to Your Holidays)
RC Twerking Santa
Tired of the same old holiday décor? Need a gift that screams “I have no taste but a lot of energy”? Enter the remote-controlled twerking Santa. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” says Candace from Utah, who, according to local police, is banned from all future holiday parades. “It twerks, it sings, and it really brings the family together — though mostly because we’re all trying to figure out why it exists.” With a booty that rivals any top-tier performer and a belly laugh that will haunt you long after Christmas, this gift is sure to make you the most popular (and controversial) person at the holiday dinner table. This is available at WallyWorld, Marcy’s, and Amatron. With the ongoing Elf Union labor dispute, we aren’t sure if Santa was the right choice, who wouldn’t love to see a Twerking Union Rat with the elves singing their holiday tunes?!
5. A Personalized Pet Psychic Reading
Miss Cleo gives pet psychic readings from beyond the grave!
Finally, the hottest gift for your pet-obsessed friend: a personalized pet psychic reading. Because, of course, your dog needs closure. “I asked my cat what she thinks about the new puppy, and the psychic said she’s ‘mostly indifferent but with a hint of disdain.’” Jenna, a person who definitely does not have a future in animal psychology, says she was thrilled to learn that her hamster’s favorite color is blue. This service comes with a free “wellness aura” scan, which sounds like something out of a sci-fi film, but honestly, no one’s really sure what it does. But your pet’s spiritual journey? It’s in good hands now. This is a limited time deal, and only available by calling 1(900)684-7743 EXT 3. That’s 1(900)OTH-RSID ext E.
So there you go: the five hottest gifts this Black Friday. If these don’t make you want to rethink your entire life, we don’t know what will. Whatever you do, remember to fight for that last self-watering plant like your future depends on it. After all, in a world filled with chaos, at least your houseplants don’t need a therapy session.
