**Lawsuit Claims Honolulu Police Arrest Sober Drivers for Impaired Driving: Aloha, You’re Under Arrest!**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the Aloha State scratching its collective head, a new lawsuit claims that the Honolulu Police Department has been arresting sober drivers for “impaired driving.” Yes, you read that right—apparently, being sober is now a crime in paradise!
The lawsuit, filed by local resident and self-proclaimed “professional surfer” Duke “Totally Not Impaired” Kaimana, alleges that officers have been mistaking perfectly sober drivers for “impaired” individuals simply because they were driving too slowly to catch the next wave. “I was just trying to obey the speed limit, man!” Kaimana exclaimed while balancing a surfboard on his head. “Next thing I know, I’m handcuffed in the back of a squad car, and they’re asking me if I’ve been ‘hitting the bong’!”
The police department has responded with a statement that reads like a poorly written sitcom script. “We take impaired driving very seriously,” said Officer Mahalo “I’m Just Here for the Free Donuts” Koa. “If someone is driving under the speed limit, they must be under the influence of something—like, I don’t know, common sense?”
The lawsuit has sparked a wave of support from other sober drivers, including local barista and part-time ukulele player, Lani “I Only Drink Herbal Tea” Pua. “I was pulled over for driving the speed limit while listening to Hawaiian music,” she lamented. “They said I was ‘too chill’ to be sober. I mean, what’s next? Arresting people for wearing sunscreen?”
As the case unfolds, Honolulu residents are left wondering if they should start carrying breathalyzers to prove their sobriety or just invest in a good pair of sunglasses to hide their “impaired” eyes. Meanwhile, the police department is reportedly considering a new initiative: “Sober or Not, We’ll Find Out!”—a program that promises to test every driver’s chill factor before letting them hit the road.
In the end, one thing is clear: in Honolulu, the only thing more confusing than the traffic laws is the definition of “impaired.” So, if you’re planning a trip to the islands, remember: drive slow, stay sober, and whatever you do, don’t forget to bring your surfboard—just in case you need to make a quick getaway!
