**Sarkisian Refutes Claims of Overspending on Texas Roster, Calls Out ‘Irresponsible Reporting’**
In a shocking turn of events that has left sports fans and financial analysts scratching their heads, Texas Longhorns head coach Steve Sarkisian has vehemently denied allegations that he overspent on his roster, claiming instead that he simply “invested in the future of football” — and by future, he means a lifetime supply of avocado toast for the players.
“Look, I don’t see what the big deal is,” Sarkisian said at a press conference, flanked by a bewildered Longhorn mascot who appeared to be munching on a $50 protein bar. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to pay a quarterback $1 million to throw a football? That’s just smart economics! It’s like buying a yacht — you don’t just buy it, you invest in the lifestyle!”
Sarkisian went on to call out what he termed “irresponsible reporting” from the media, specifically targeting a local blog called “Texas Tattle,” which claimed that the Longhorns’ budget was so inflated it could rival the state’s ballooning population of armadillos. “I mean, come on! They said I spent $10 million on a punter! That’s just ridiculous. I only spent $9.5 million, and that includes his personal chef!”
In a bizarre twist, Sarkisian also revealed that he had hired a “financial advisor” named Chuck “The Calculator” McGee, who specializes in “creative accounting” and “making numbers disappear.” “Chuck is a genius,” Sarkisian insisted. “He once made my student loans vanish! Poof! Just like that!”
As the press conference wrapped up, Sarkisian concluded with a heartfelt message to fans: “If you can’t afford to pay your players, just remember: it’s not overspending if you call it ‘strategic investment.’ Now, who wants to join me for some avocado toast?”
The Longhorns’ next game is expected to be a thrilling spectacle, especially if they can find a way to pay their players in organic kale.
