**Justice Department Withdraws Compliance with ABA Ratings for Judicial Nominees: A Bold Move or Just Bold?**
In a shocking twist that has left legal scholars scratching their heads and comedians rolling on the floor, the Justice Department has announced it will no longer comply with the American Bar Association’s (ABA) ratings for judicial nominees. This decision has sparked a flurry of reactions, ranging from “What does that even mean?” to “Can I get a refund on my law degree?”
Attorney General Merrick Garland, in a press conference that was definitely not held in a basement, stated, “We believe that the ABA ratings are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. We’re looking for judges who can actually judge, not just those who can write a fancy essay about it.” He then added, “Besides, have you seen the ratings for my favorite pizza place? They’re terrible, but I still go there every Friday!”
Meanwhile, the ABA responded with a statement that read, “We’re shocked, shocked I tell you! This is like a chef refusing to taste his own food. What’s next? The FDA stops checking if your hot dogs are made of actual meat?”
Legal expert and self-proclaimed “Judicial Nominee Whisperer,” Dr. Felicity Fumblebottom, weighed in, saying, “This is a slippery slope. If we stop caring about qualifications, soon we’ll have judges who think ‘due process’ is a new dance move.”
In a surprising turn of events, a group of aspiring judges held a rally outside the Justice Department, chanting, “No ratings, no problem!” One hopeful nominee, who identified himself only as “Judgey McJudgeface,” declared, “I’ve got a great track record of judging my friends’ cooking. I’m ready for the big leagues!”
As the nation watches this legal circus unfold, one thing is clear: the only thing more unpredictable than judicial nominations is the next season of reality TV. Stay tuned for updates, or don’t—who needs compliance when you can have chaos?
