**Federal Court Awards $20M to US Citizen Tortured in Syria Captivity in 2019: A Win for Tortured Souls and Bad Decisions Everywhere**
In a landmark decision that has left legal experts scratching their heads and torturers reconsidering their career choices, a federal court has awarded $20 million to a U.S. citizen who was, quite literally, tortured during his captivity in Syria in 2019. The ruling has sparked a national debate: is it better to be tortured abroad or to just stay home and binge-watch reality TV?
The plaintiff, identified as “Dave from Ohio” (because who doesn’t love a good alliteration?), was reportedly subjected to a series of unfortunate events that included being forced to listen to endless hours of elevator music and being served lukewarm hummus. “I thought I was going to die,” Dave said, “but then I realized I could just ask for extra pita. It was a real turning point for me.”
Legal analysts are now predicting a surge in similar lawsuits. “If Dave can get $20 million for a little torture, I’m going to sue my gym for making me do burpees,” said local resident and self-proclaimed expert on everything, Karen “The Torture Queen” Thompson. “I mean, have you seen the way they treat us during spin class?”
Meanwhile, the torturers in Syria are reportedly “shocked” by the ruling. “We thought we were just doing our job,” said one anonymous torturer, who goes by the name of “Abdul the Unfortunate.” “Now we have to rethink our entire approach. Maybe we should just stick to waterboarding with a side of Netflix?”
As the dust settles on this unprecedented case, one thing is clear: if you’re going to be tortured, make sure it’s in a country with a good legal system. And always, always ask for extra pita.
