**DOJ Steps In as Trump Watches California Trans Athlete Debate During Girls’ Track Championship**
In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Justice (DOJ) has decided to intervene in the heated debate surrounding a California girls’ track championship, all while former President Donald Trump reportedly watched the drama unfold from his Mar-a-Lago bunker, munching on a bucket of KFC and tweeting furiously.
The championship, which was supposed to be a celebration of athletic prowess, quickly devolved into a chaotic scene reminiscent of a reality TV show. “It was like ‘Survivor: Track Edition,’” said local coach and self-proclaimed sports guru, Chuck “The Track” Thompson. “I half-expected Jeff Probst to pop out and start handing out immunity idols.”
As the debate raged on about the inclusion of trans athletes, Trump took to Twitter, declaring, “If I were there, I would have run faster than all of them. And I’d do it in high heels. #MakeTrackGreatAgain.” Sources close to the former president say he was particularly invested in the outcome, claiming he had a “personal stake” because “the last time I ran was from a golf cart to the buffet.”
Meanwhile, the DOJ, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, announced they would be sending a team of “track experts” to assess the situation. “We’re not just here for the athletes,” said DOJ spokesperson Linda Fastfeet. “We’re also here to ensure that no one is running faster than our investigations.”
As the dust settled, the championship concluded with a tie between two athletes, one of whom was reportedly wearing a tutu and the other a full-on superhero costume. “I just wanted to show that anyone can be a champion, even if they’re dressed like a character from a bad 80s movie,” said the tutu-wearing athlete, who goes by the name of Sparkle McFast.
In the end, the only clear winner was the internet, which exploded with memes featuring Trump’s face superimposed on various track and field events. As one meme creator put it, “If he can run from the truth, he can run from anything!”
And so, as the sun set on the California track, one thing was certain: the only thing more confusing than the debate was trying to figure out what Trump would tweet next. Stay tuned for updates as this story continues to unfold—preferably in slow motion, with dramatic music playing in the background.
