**Breaking News: Illegal Immigrant Arrested for Alleged Threat to Assassinate Trump via Handwritten Letter**
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by a Hollywood screenwriter with a penchant for the absurd, an illegal immigrant was arrested this week for allegedly attempting to assassinate former President Donald Trump using nothing more than a handwritten letter. Authorities say the letter, which was written in crayon and featured a doodle of a unicorn, was intercepted before it could reach its intended recipient.
The suspect, identified as Juan “The Penman” Rodriguez, reportedly penned the letter while living in a cardboard box behind a Taco Bell in Phoenix. “I just wanted to express my feelings,” Rodriguez explained in a press conference, “but I guess my artistic skills were a little too advanced for the Secret Service to handle.”
The letter, which was adorned with glitter and a heartfelt “I’m not a bad guy, I just have bad handwriting,” allegedly contained threats like “I will make you eat a taco made of your own hair!” and “I challenge you to a duel at dawn, but only if you bring your own crayons!”
Local authorities were quick to respond. Sheriff Bob “The Law” McGraw stated, “We take threats against public figures very seriously, especially when they involve glitter. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world; it just won’t go away!”
In a bizarre twist, Trump himself responded via social media, tweeting, “I’m not worried about Juan. I’m more concerned about the unicorn. Is it legal to have a unicorn in the White House? Asking for a friend.”
As the investigation continues, Rodriguez remains in custody, reportedly working on his next masterpiece: a pop-up book titled “How to Win Friends and Influence Presidents.” Meanwhile, the Secret Service has issued a warning to all future correspondents: “If you can’t spell ‘assassinate’ correctly, don’t bother.”
Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story, and remember folks, if you’re going to threaten a president, at least use a typewriter!
